Oral discussion

We have known each other for over a year. We meet up, actually the same one that we meet our now quad couple, but with some complications we never had a chance to hook up again. It was only a meet and greet but we really enjoyed the time we spent talking to them.  When the opportunity that we all could get together again we basically all jumped on it. Continue reading Oral discussion

Not right now

One thing that happens is the word “no” . It is not meant as an insult. Or even a rejection. Most times it is situational. Not right time of the month, to fast, or maybe just uncomfortable. There a multitude of reasons for the word to be said. The one factor is that it is respected.

Respect your partner and spouses. Very important since there are times that things go to fast. And yes I have turned down sex. When I was younger as well as in group play. Not a common occurrence but it does happen.  The issue is don’t take offence to it. Don’t pressure the situation or ask for details as to why. The reason maybe personal and not wanting to be discussed at the exact time. Doesn’t mean it won’t come up in conversation later. Just respect the person and understand it is not you.

The world of kink uses other terms. Usually words that warn on threshold. Red, yellow and usually another colour depict the stop level. As much as a dom might be the one controlling the scene it is the sub who controls the outcome. There level of comfort, sensation, and pain depict how far they can go.  I don’t mean that this should be used for everyone in regular sex. Saying the usually “harder” or “don’t stop” is just as effective. The difference is that when in kink begging can be a part of it so using the keywords allows the Dom to understand when it is a real request.

Just because a woman stops what is happening is no insult to either of you. I have one lady that at some point will hook up and we have discussed in length about the sex. And we also discussed the word no since if she becomes uncomfortable she wants it to stop.  I fully respect that and appreciate that we have discussed what the concerns are.

I have had this happen to me recently. Unknown to me I was to rough and when the partner was saying no I didn’t hear. We talked about it a a few days later and we qualified what she expects. She also covered what happened and why it was not enjoyable. She had a hard time starting the conversation but once we got talking it all came out. I was happy she told me and even as I apologize over and over she understood it was an accident. It was not intentional.  And sex later that night was great.  Like when you are first dating someone you need to understand their needs in their bedroom.  Just because your old partner was more kinky or could tolerate pain more doesn’t mean the new girl you are with can do the same.

In group play there is bound to be some issues to come up.  If things are not fully discussed than most likely this is where you will get told no.  It is not a rejection.  When I said no to sex with the one couple we saw it was for a few reasons.  Primarily it was our first time meeting them and we ended up naked so quickly.  The no was more, not now, later.  I am glad we did that since after the meeting things did fall apart and I don’t know how they would have felt if we did have sex that night.  I rejected the option to protect ourselves along with the couple.  Full intentions of fucking later, just not at that time.

You can try to mitigate the potential of having the partner say no.  You may want to confirm any questions you have. As I have stated before communication is key. Understanding your partners limits, needs along with expectations makes the play time more enjoyable. No surprises. Unless of course you doing an activity that has that then we’ll go ahead. Just ensure you both are on same page. More often than not you might assume something and this is where things get uncomfortable.  This is where the activity could be stopped.

Talk it out with the partner or couple when you have a chance if this happens.  This usually means that you didn’t clearly communicate before you proceeded to the bedroom.  Now that you are aware that something wasn’t right you can discuss and figure out what boundaries might have been crossed.  As much as I feel I repeat myself communication is so important.  Without it you will have drama and problems all the time, so keep up the talking.  Discuss everything regarding fantasies, wants, and needs.  What you will and will not do.  Get it out in the open with your partner or couple.  You might be surprised and find out similar thoughts from them too.

Friends First

One of the hardest things to find are friends in the lifestyle.  Oh you can meet people and get along but to have that connection on all levels is unique.  Trust and honesty is also another factor.  We have been fortunate and have met two couples that we connected with.  Actually there was another couple but that is whole different story.  Although the downfall is that they are not close by.  This makes it hard to meet up, even as a group with life and work being priority.  So timing (sounds familiar) is something that seems to be hard to nail down.  Although because we are friends first we still chat on a regular basis so it helps to build the relationship even though we may not see each other in person that often. Continue reading Friends First

Don’t expect it

I would like to thank one of my followers for this suggestion from my contact page.  It is a point that I have touched on a few times over the year but really never dwell on it to much.  Communication is very important as I mentioned numerous times, but setting expectations is something that also is equally important.  Without setting expectations things can get out of control, or worse drama can ensue that could cause complications or problems after the fact.

Continue reading Don’t expect it

Still learning the ropes and no not those kind

Dating when you are single is so much simpler.  If you do something it only affects you, and potentially your partner.  When you enter the lifestyle, the major difference is that you have to think for yourself along with your partner.  Now add another level which is more couples and you can see how it can become very complicated. Continue reading Still learning the ropes and no not those kind

Reflection of four different needs

Our quad has settled into a relationship that has become more like married.  It has almost been two years since we met and things have evolved dramatically.  This past year has been an eye opener for all of us.  Needs and desires for each person is different.  Nothing wrong with that at all unless they are not full filled.  Of late this seems to be a common theme.  Maybe things are becoming to comfortable and we need to shake things up a bit.

Fetishes are not my thing.   Continue reading Reflection of four different needs

Highway Sex

Distance has been my major nemesis of late.  Well distance is always a problem to be fair.  Our quad is separated by 500 km (310 miles) so our visits are scheduled in advance.  Sometimes months in advance.  Add in family functions, birthdays, and other events and you can see that weekends become few and far between.  So this alone makes our visits more important since we see them once a month if we are lucky.  Although there are some months were it is more.

We meet our couple on a meet up in Niagara Falls just shy of two years ago.  At that meet up we also wanted to meet another couple.  As things worked out some 10 months later we had them over with our quad and it went very well.  Everyone got along and things just seemed to easy and relaxed.  Unfortunately, like our quad, real life got in the way and we haven’t seen them since New Years 2013 so it is way overdue.  Not to mention that they are about 250 km away.  Starting to see a theme here?

Another couple that we meet through twitter is also starting to look at being back in cycle.  Granted they are less than 100 km but not right around the corner.  Family was there focus for the past little while but now that they are looking to enter the lifestyle again.  It will be interesting to see where it goes.  Heck my one fwb is about the same distance and seeing her is just has hard since family life is priority.  Visits with here are like once every six months.

This leaves trying to schedule dates to meet, not just for sex, complicated.  Leaving time with our quad, and our other couples makes scheduling difficult.  This weekend we were invited to a meet up.  Head out to a club and just have fun, sexy or not.  Unfortunately we had plans, so we can’t make it.  It does suck that plans don’t work out, and this was a bit last minute.  Still meeting our friends for fun times, at least this year, has been very hit and miss.

My goal for 2015 is to see our friends more regularly.  It will take more effort, and some luck most likely.  Sex is great, but we are not in it just for the sex.  We can be open and not have to hide anything around these couples.  That is a great relief since being confined by the rules of normal etiquette with other friends can sometimes be frustrating.  Freedom to speak freely is so much easier.  So with that in mind, and I knew a few couples read my blog, keep this in mind for 2015.

As for the distance, it will be a constant factor for us.  Time and energy will be spent in making sure we stay in contact with our good friends.  Looking forward to 2015 I think it will be a fun year, since rumour is that we might be starting it off with a trip down south.  More on that later. 😉

Getaway Weekend

Getting home early afternoon from a weekend with my poly wife Lexxi and a long drive in snow and cold made for a tired man.  What you don’t know is that when I drove up Friday afternoon I was doing way more than the speed limit.  On the way home, I took my time.  Not that I wanted to not get home, but more that I wanted to get up to the resort to see Lexxi.  You see the past twelve months has been a roller coaster.  The hardest part on any relationship is making things work.  What is harder is when there is 500 km distance between each other, and add in two more people just makes things even more complicated.

Seeing Lexxi by ourselves is not a common occurrence.  Since we are both married it is couples together, although we do share each other beds when we do visit.  One thing that I am learning more over the past year is that in groups I close down, but alone I seem to come alive.  This is probably from my past, where in a group I was never the focus.  I always last to be noticed, so I am more used to working alone.  This is been something I have been trying to adapt to.  The club at Halloween was one thing that I wanted to work on.  I am trying new things to open me up and it will happen, just takes time. Continue reading Getaway Weekend

King or Queen

With being in the lifestyle there are things that you now review to see if they fit still.  Ironic one of those is the bed since having 4 people in a queen size bed is pretty crowded.  Not something that works well for sleeping, and even for the sex olympics can be a bit creative.  What has transpired this thought process of late is our two dogs.

You see when we normally sleep, sometime around 5 am one of both dogs sneak into our bed.  We don’t mind, although it does add some laughs when we can’t seem to move being pinned down by two dogs.  The dogs know that they are not allowed up until morning (mostly) so it has worked for us.  That was until last night.

Lexxi is staying with us for a few days to recover from a procedure.  We have slept three in a bed before, but this was before we got our second dog.  What I learned last night is that having two dogs and two woman in the same bed really doesn’t mix.  Not to mention our youngest dog is hell bent on being comfortable on the bed.  The other factor is not everyone can really get comfortable in the bed.  Add the dogs and it becomes a very crowded bed.  So my thoughts last night was, “We need a bigger bed.”

Actually we have be discussing the bed size for some time now.  The realization of having more bed space would make so many things easier.  Dogs, couple play and obviously more couples in one bed if it happens.  Our bed has been with us since we got married so long ago (I won’t go into the years since it would make me feel older) so it is due for a change.  A lot of miles have been put on it (yes I went there) and I think it is time to trade it in for an upgrade.