8 degrees of FWB

Since I started my blog I have done some topics that were brought up by other friends.  Primarily related to the lifestyle have been some of those.  My hope is that with me exposing the topic and working through what my thoughts about it are might allow the readers to open their mind to the thought.  Digest what I say and formulate their own opinion.  I am not preacher, or all knowing, but sharing the experiences with everyone might help someone else.  Everyone has something to share to a topic, and in no way am I trying to say that one idea is wrong.  That is not how I operate.  The lifestyle is complicated.  No guidebook or set rules.

And that is also the beauty of it.  With no actual set rules the person can make guidelines that work for them.

With that said there is one very import fact about the lifestyle.  Communication.  Without it the whole situation fails.  There needs to be open communication to all parties.  This is pretty much a hard rule.  No hidden agendas or secrets.  Everyone is fully aware on what is happening.  And everyone is in agreement.  Without this simple fact things start to get complicated.  Surprises create drama, and with drama you will breed other emotions.  Really kills the mood.  Also creates situations that usually lead to more drama and in some cases someone getting hurt.  If you are not able to do this then in my point of few you are not being honest to yourself or the woman you meet.

Being in the lifestyle is a choice.  Also means that you take ownership for your actions.  Good and the bad.  I have made mistakes and with that it has consequences.  No one is perfect and taking what you have learned from those mistakes is what is important.  Although if you keep making the same mistakes than that would be a concern.  When it does happen, the discussion and resolution with my wife ensures that it won’t happen again.  We adjust both of our rules and make sure that they are still valid, or if some adjustments are made then we agree on them.

Friends first is important to my wife and me.  The sex is always a bonus.  I never go out to find someone just to fuck.  For one it is not easy to get woman to talk, and secondly it is not what I need or want.  I did that when I was younger, and have no interest in following that path again.  My regular few that I talk to are aware on what is happening in my life.  The other few that are not regularly talked to is not by choice.  Circumstance is a big part of it.  We all have busy lives.  And over the past few weeks my world has been a bit upside down.  Like everyone else, you get busy and time goes by way to fast.  When we do reconnect we catch up like old friends.  I don’t forget about them, it is just the fact of life, everyone is busy.

I have never communicated on here about my fwb and who they are.  Not even provided a number as to how many.  Okay I have written about some of my encounters.  They are based on what happened.  It is not to brag but more to reflect on the night.  Plus it is some hot reading material.  I enjoy reliving the experience through writing it.  And for some they actually get off reading it.  Regardless it allows others to see my enjoyment as well as mistakes that I might make.

The fwb are aware that I have more than one and when they ask I do tell them at that time how many.  For some that have been with me from the beginning there was not that many.  Unsure on how this has happened but I have created a few new relationships.  It has been a long few years in finding new relationships.  To some it might seem crazy, but each one I enjoy talking and getting to know more about them.  Currently I have eight woman that I talk to on a regular basis.  Now to be clear, I talk to them.  Don’t assume that I have eight ladies schedule nightly for extra fun.  It doesn’t happen that way.  Plus I really think my dick would fall off if that was the case.

Now as to the sex, yes I have been with majority of my fwb at least once.  ONCE.  There are few that have worked out that it was another time or too, but to be honest I don’t just see them and have sex.  Not that it wouldn’t be something that is wanted by all, but it is something that is a bonus.  We talk, maybe go out for coffee or hang out the house with my family.  Either way it is not purely sexual.  If by chance sex happens I sure don’t complain, but it is not something that I expect to happen every time I we meet up.

So I guess the other detail regarding my fwb is that none are local.  Or at least not freely available.  There are a couple that are local but we see each other only when there is free time.  Getting out is complicated, with our family and work.  You can’t drop everything and just go out.  The others are far away, some that would take hours travelling to see each other.  I don’t like to miss opportunities when we meet.  Just doesn’t always work out.  Not like I can bring them home and take them to bed.  So we make do with what we can.  Would I like to have more sex with them, sure.  I think all of them would like that too.  The issue is that it is not the only factor to our relationships.

Now to say that I have a primary or secondary, we did have this in the beginning.  We needed to identify that for our minds to process.  And over time these labels disappear.  It becomes who we are.  Well I guess that is not 100% true.  I do have one label.  My wives.  They are primary and always will be.  Everyone else is secondary.  So in some sense we have labels, but it is more to reaffirm who my wives are.  Again this is not to take anything away from my other relationships.  I care for all of them, but my first responsibility is to my wife.  Labeling is important for some, but I wouldn’t get to hung up on it.  Human nature makes us want this to easily understand and process.  After time the labels become not needed, or at least not as important.

Each person wants something out of the relationship.  Never the same with each of them.  Fulfilling those needs is the challenge.  If it is companionship, sex, someone to open up to or whatever else it makes each relationship unique.  Balancing them is a challenge on some days.  I swear my wife is laughing some nights as I am juggling conversations which are never the same topic.  She enjoys me having these relationships, and for that I am extremely grateful.

I guess after all my babbling, there is a point.  Life is complicated.  Relationships are complicated.  And the lifestyle can also be complicated, if you make it so.  There is no reason for it to be that way.  At least the lifestyle.  Communication is so important and is pretty much the backbone on how everyone makes it work.  Being Poly along with open relationship has so many levels.  This is not dating, this is building relationships.  With this lifestyle I have found some great new friends and regardless on if there is sex I wouldn’t change anything in the relationships that I have built.

Being respectful, honest and communicating, it is a hard thing to do, but for me it works.

7 thoughts on “8 degrees of FWB”

  1. Being new to this lifestyle, I still use the titles/labels (“boxes”) for the men in my life. Boyfriend, Dating, Lover/FWB, Friend. The divisions aren’t very clear cut sometimes, as men sometimes jump from one to another (by their actions and treatment of me). And I know some labels may change and fall away with time and evolution. For me, they aren’t levels of priority. They’re levels of trust and affection. Every person is important to me, and I’d give the shirt off my back to any one of them. Is this what you mean?

    1. I refer to classifying relationships in lifestyle. All woman have the zones on where men will fall. I doubt that will change. It is more the labelling of relationships. Primary secondary etc. There is no hard rule but over time these labels won’t be used as much. The only label that I see being used always is primary. Identifies your spouse/lover who is first.

  2. Works for me!
    My own writing reflects the different kinds of relationships I have with the women I am dating, and this is consonant with what is written here.
    I don’t have a wife, and certainly I would like to have one. I’m poly dating AND seeking that primary relationship. Is it possible your primary relationship is nonsexual? So many possibilities

    1. As I have learned over past few years there really is no set rules or guidelines. As long as you are honest with yourself and all your partners that is the best we can do. When we do have any fwb interaction we do reconnect. This is outside our normal active sex lives.
      I am aware that it is possible to have a nonsexual relationship. For me that is not the case.

  3. I should have been more clear. I guess I meant to ask if it’s possible to have a nonsexual relationship with your primary, in a general sense.
    I was asking Gun, but I wasn’t asking about Gun.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *