Tied up in my search for meaning

Discovering yourself is an interesting challenge.  You don’t know what it is you are looking for until you come across it.  Like most things you usually are introuduced to something new.  This has been my experience for the past few years.  As to what I have tried, well, I will try almost anything once, twice if I like it. 😉

Unfortunately there are things that I don’t get aroused from.  One is bondage play which stems from my younger days and an interaction with my first long term girlfriend.  Back then I was a cook at a resturant and working with heavy pans you build up strong muscles in your wrists and hands.  Unknowning to me I gripped her wrists to tightly by accident and she told me it hurts.  To this day I focus to not hurt the woman during sex.  I understand that bondage is not always to hurt. It is to restrict the person but for myself I do not feel comfortable with doing that.

One advantage of having more than one partner in this life style is that each person brings there own bag of tricks.  Experience and pleasure is the ultimate goal and everyone is different.  Some squirt while others like to do the bondage.  I just like making woman cum, and if they squirt that is a bonus.  Some love to use toys on woman.  I always feel that I am being replaced by toys but I am starting to slowly come around to toy play.  Krystalla3 would love to hear that, since it is one thing that she loves.  She also is now keen on the bondage thing.  Myself I can’t get there so for here to explore outside of myself it makes me a little nervous.  Not to mention a bit jealous that it is something that I doubt I can experience with her.

Now you are wondering “Why is he not talking to her about this directly?” and the simple answer is we have.  We have talked about this lots of times and she reminds me that she understands that I do not get off on it.  Like I mentioned above, it is something that she is looking for and with other partners it is possible.  My problem is that I feel I let her down, something that I can’t do to please her.  We have both agreed to do what we enjoy and if we try something new and didn’t like it we don’t have to do it again.  Problem is that if one person enjoys it and the other doesn’t where do you go from there?

It is a delima that I didn’t expect to come up since I thought I could do most things. Now I am fighting internally to figure out what does turn me on. What other things besides the act of sex gives me an arousal?

For the past week or so I want to try something new.  Just don’t know what NEW is?  Is it s new couple?  Is it a new girl?  Does it involve toys?  I just don’t know.  I think it stems from my quad signing up on a new site geared towards fetishes.  I didn’t want to join up since I didn’t want the disappointment of being ignored again.  For any site the men out way the woman and it seems that being a woman makes it a lot easier to be engaged.  Men not so much. And I really don’t think I have any fetish.

Looking forward I think new rules will be imposed if that is the direction she wants to explore. Not rules for the bondage but more if it will involve people outside our group. Alone play is not an issue we have done that in the past. Tying my wife up involves a large amount of trust. Regardless if she trusts them I need to also trust them too.

I bounced around in a lot of different places for this blog entry. My mind does that since it is taking all the information in and than formulating a conclusion. At this point I don’t have one yet but stay tuned. When I do I will let you know.