Stand Still in life

Another year has passed.  It has been a crazy year with ups and downs.  Oh get your mind out of the gutter.  This would have been posted on the day but I gotten sidetracked.  
Being married for 16 years is not that hard.   Time will always continue to move forward.   It is the relationship that you have with your partner that also needs to continue to grow.   In less then a month we will have been in the lifestyle for four years.  Even if we didn’t venture down this path we would still be married.   Would we have been as happy?  I would like to think so.   Opening up our relationship was not to save our marriage.  It was to express and explore ourselves.   We both have accomplished that.

For the past few months I have been more quiet on social networks.   Even quiet on chatting with my friends.   Internally I have been battling on a few fronts with one being kink.  I am not kinky.   I may have a few girls that I see on a irregular basis but to me that is not kink.   It is relationships.   The chatting and enjoying of each other’s company has been fun.  And the time that we get to see each is something I treasure.  What has been bugging me though is that I need more.  I have no new friends in months, dating sites are useless as we all know from Ashley Madison, and even attempting to use fetlife to find someone is pointless since I am not kinky.

I am at a stand still.   No moving forward with anything.  Over the next few months there will be more visits then normal with my quad.   Even get my long distance poly gf a visit in too.   All of the woman in my life seem to be exploring and expanding.   Myself not so much.   It is a balance that I haven’t figured out how to do.

And then there is the feeling that my vanilla life is at a standstill.  Work has been screwing me over and with the recent situation it has added more stress.  I know in a few months things can possibly change, but the daily grind of waiting to get there is starting to take its toll.  Much like trying to find new blood, finding a new role within a company is just as exhausting.

I really hate bitch blogs.  Seems that all I have been writing about it is nothing good.  Always problems and issues.  That is something that has been weighing me down and now I think it has finally hit me.  I’m tired.  Tired of looking for new blood.  Tired of searching for a new job.  What is worse that I seem to have fallen into old habits and that is also disturbing to me.  Funny how some people can accept that nothing changes, living the same daily lives they accept.  I can’t accept that.  Change is needed to grow.  Evolve into something hopefully better.  Without change then it becomes status quo and no one ever wants that.

And this i not a call for my girlfriends or wives to ask how I am doing.  Honestly I am to the point that I do not want to answer it.  Nothing anyone can do for me and to be honest I WILL not talk about it.  Being the sounding board for all the women is fine, but the roles will not reverse.  Time will resolve it, and if things go well it will be for the good.  Things are in motion for change and in just a matter of months hopefully things will be better.  The stress has been overbearing and it has to the point killed all sex drive.  One thing that I do know that stress has a major effect on sex drive.  The higher it is the lower it goes.  Things will get better.  Time heals all right?