Overdue

Didn’t realize how long ago it was for my last post.  No I haven’t gone away.  Actually busy.   Oh not in that way… which is why this post.

The reason I started this blog is to write my ideas and thoughts help. Makes me process them better. Reason why I have been quiet of late is that I really didn’t know how to write it. No new blood and no one asking me questions has made for no new topics if late.

I recently started some new hobbies .  Looking into game design, 3d art and now a podcast.   Still want to write short stories too so you can see how my life is a bit chaotic now. This doesn’t even include the family functions and such.

Lifestyle is quiet for me.  I have only a few girls I see regularly now. Well one really.  The others is when we can find time due to distance and family commitments. Stark change to eight months ago.

And my itch has not been fixed. It has been over eight months since my last new encounter. The rest of the quad has moved on with their kinky side.   Even Krystalla is spending more time with her bf.  With that it has made me feel left behind. And with majority of the few girls I know going off the market has made me down. She does give me time when I do have my local girl visit. It is the fetish that is being unfulfilled.  Granted Krystalla doesn’t have her kink all the time but she does get it more regularly.

The ebb and flow is always there.  The problem I have is that finding new women is the most painful process.  More so because I am married.  Case in point most women don’t want to share.   I fucked up on my one dating site and my profile didn’t state clearly from an earlier edit.  After a great conversation for a few hours it blows up.   Totally my fault but it is frustrating. Everyone seems to think women are always horny.   If that is true then they sure are hiding really well.

I have never been quiet about sending messages to ladies and it goes to a black hole.  No response when trying to meet new ones is not fun.  Very frustrating. Which is why I have no energy in trying those sites again. There are possible meet ups but I feel that it will be the same thing. I don’t want to get hopes up and then crushed again.

To be fair I am happy for the people I know and have in my life.  They are enjoying the lifestyle.   More the kink side which I have attempted but can’t commit to.    This is where I am frustrated since vanilla sex (what I have labelled it) is who I am. I am not a true dom.

This has been on my mind a lot lately.  How I don’t fit in.  Now the women reading this who know me personally are going to immediately react and say that is not true so hold your horses.   I have pulled away more and more regarding kink.  It doesn’t feel right.  It isn’t me.  Even if I fake it with someone it would be false. Plus it doesn’t do anything for me. This is my major hang up.   The majority of women are wanting it and I can’t provide what they need. .

Yes I am ranting.  This has been building for a long time. My wives have their Dom’s. And I appreciate that so much since I can’t provide that release. Which in a small way makes me feel inadequate. They have their kink friends. Which I enjoy hanging with (when they are avaiable) but I know that I don’t fit in.

So where does that leave me then. Primarily on the outside. I can listen to my wife get whipped and it does sound hot. Doesn’t arouse me though. If it is sex she is getting that is different. I don’t get off on giving pain to a woman. I have a hard time with even watching some things being done to them at times.

Primarily why I think I have buried my head in so many hobbies of late. I can’t get what I need so I am looking for distractions. It let’s me escape and not have to think about it. Everyone has their own way of doing this. For me it is keeping the mind distracted.

Finally the women in my life understand my limits. They don’t push anything on me. They make sure they show they love me. I just pull away at times since I really don’t know how to please them they way they wish. Just so you know I will hear from them how I do it in other ways. But in my mind that is not enough. What is having only half of what you want or need? No one can answer that. That will be something I will have to find on my own.  And yes they are frustrated that they can provide for my needs of new blood.

Stark change to four years ago when I thought I was kinky. Turns out I am not. I like to fuck and make women cum. No toys or gadgets. Oh natural. It is why I am finding it hard for me to fit in of late?