Friends First

One of the hardest things to find are friends in the lifestyle.  Oh you can meet people and get along but to have that connection on all levels is unique.  Trust and honesty is also another factor.  We have been fortunate and have met two couples that we connected with.  Actually there was another couple but that is whole different story.  Although the downfall is that they are not close by.  This makes it hard to meet up, even as a group with life and work being priority.  So timing (sounds familiar) is something that seems to be hard to nail down.  Although because we are friends first we still chat on a regular basis so it helps to build the relationship even though we may not see each other in person that often.

So what makes it a friends first relationship?  Basically we can hang out and not have sex.  Sure there maybe urges and some flirting but we don’t need to enter a room rip our clothes off and fuck.  We do things together and hang out because we enjoy each others company.  This is what makes this part of the lifestyle enjoyable.  Not to say that sex is not something we don’t enjoy but we love the fact that hanging out is as comfortable as falling into bed with each other.

To be fair we also hang out with other couples in the lifestyle as well that we don’t sleep with.  Just because there might be a group of us together doesn’t mean we will all fuck each other either.  From the beginning we agreed that we want friends first. My wife is not able to just jump in to bed with anyone. She doesn’t work that way. So with this rule in mind we have searched out like-minded couples. Not an easy thing to do. Why? For a few reasons with the major one being compatible.

Each couple has their fantasies and needs. Along with personality, that is a lot of variables. So finding a couple (or even a single) is not the easy when trying to find one that you ‘click’ with. And if you do find that couple then maybe the rules/boundaries don’t mesh. There are a lot of factors that are involved. Much like dating as a single dating as a couple is more complicated.  Just because you connect with them as friends doesn’t mean the bedroom will be the same way.

First thing is to ensure that you can communicate. If you can’t do this with the other couple it will be doomed from the start. And communication is between both couples and the couples themselves. Just because the couples both talk between each other, the couples themselves have to as well.  Good communication between the couple is as import as when talking to your new couple that you just met.  We have seen this happen where the couples don’t talk to each other and assumptions are made.  Drama and awkward conversations happened after and that relationship was lost to us not long after.  Any point that this fails you are heading into issues.

The next is if you are on the same page. Just because you click and you talk well doesn’t mean that you interests in bedroom are the same. One common point is same room or separate room. Same room is where everyone is in the same room when the activity is happening.  Separate rooms are where the couples can go to separate rooms and play.  The dynamic is different and because of this most couples prefer same room.  Make sure that you discuss this between yourselves and with the couple. Not every couple likes both and if it doesn’t work for you then make sure you speak up. Don’t assume you can do it then find out after it didn’t work. At least ensure that if you will try something new that you can stop at any point.  And this rule really applies to anything that is new.  If you are not comfortable with it then speak up.  There will be no judgement, and if there is then that is a warning sign as well.

If there is a problem or a concern you can stop what is happening. No issues. No drama. If you need to confer with your spouse then this shouldn’t be an issue either.  There should be no negative comments, no drama and only complete understanding.  Maybe something didn’t feel right and the spouse wants to confirm with their partner what they are feeling.  Or maybe it is to fast and the spouse needs to have it slowed down so they don’t feel awkward or uncomfortable.  There can be a lot of reasons for this to happen.  If the other couple doesn’t respect this then leave.  This rule is pretty much common in the lifestyle and should not be treated as a negative.

The third is after care.  I am using a term from BDSM but it really still applies to the couples who just had a hot wild sex night.  Regardless on what happened there should be communication after regarding the night.  For myself I know that I follow-up with the woman and thank her.  If by chance you can thank the husband then that is good too.  There are a few reasons for this but the primary one is respect.  Showing that you appreciate the time and sharing is important.  Secondly you can also quash any issues or concerns that might have come up.  To many times we have had the after care thank you but then get silence for days.  This happened more in the beginning since we were still learning.  If things didn’t go well then speak up.  No harm in stating that it wasn’t working or that it just didn’t fit.  Nothing worse than hearing silence even though you were told everything is okay and it was a great night.  Unknowing is worse then being told, “Hey it was fun but just don’t think we click in the bedroom.”  This is not high school we are all adults so lets treat everyone with respect.

This also applies to the few fwb that I have.  There has been a few times that the woman have reached out to Krystalla, my wife, and thanked her.  I appreciate that a lot since it shows respect to both of us.  Heck even one sent her a text asking if she can borrow my husband to abuse him.  Again respect is very important and with that it also builds trust.

Interesting how I keep bring up respect isn’t it.  This lifestyle is mature and respect is very important.  No one is here for drama or frustration.  We want to have fun and enjoy each others company in and out of the bedroom.  In no way should anything become drama.  This is created within the group and can easily be removed if everyone is open and communicates.  Don’t be afraid to speak up since it could be on another persons mind within the group.

Friends with Benefits is something that people through around but may not fully understand it.  Fuck buddy is just that, you fall into a bed and fuck.  No strings attached (NSA) which is also Friends with Benefits (FWB) with the only difference is that you hang out and not always have sex.  Sounds similar but in reality it isn’t.  Friends first is the primary point to the relationship and not the sex, which is part of the FWB.  If this can’t be done then it is not a FWB but more fuck buddy.  Regardless the friends first is not an easy thing to find.  It takes effort, work and patience but in the end it is well worth it.  You get the best of both worlds, great friends and great sex.