Focus and direction

Fantasies or regular kink activities came up this weekend while we had our Quad visit. I listened with half an ear as I was busy searching twitter for anything interesting to stare at. This comes up ever so often and I usually disappear when it does.

Bucket list we had when we first started was a large list. It became smaller and smaller as we tried new things and experimented. This is where we found our likes and dislikes. Also where kink became a focus for my wife. For me I tried but it is not for me. I am not able to apply pain or other actions to women. I doesn’t do anything for me, and even at times I don’t like the idea of it. Fortunately she has outlets for it, although not on a regular schedule.

What I am able to do, and have stopped over the past year is being dominating. Controlling. Verbal with the women I have been with. This I attest to the amount of stress and leadership I am having to do at work. Something that I didn’t realize has taken a toll. I am drained at night, even after I have stopped working the insane hours. I don’t want to interact with anyone. Not wanting to hide but just not having to deal with anyone.

Of course I don’t ignore anyone. I just don’t have the mind power to interact like I was sometime ago. My work has taken more from me then I expected. Social life has disappeared the last half of last year. My sex drive dropped dramatically. Ambition also dropped. When the new year started I stopped working the insane hours to try to get some persona life back. It has been the past few months that I am discovering what has been lost and finding my way back.

Over the past few weeks I have been with a couple of woman and tried to be myself again. Controlling and verbal during sex. It feels nice. Feels like myself. Although I have to be in the mood which I am still struggling with. It is a hard thing to balance with the stress being so high. Work is not going away or the stress so I need to balance it better. Finding outlets to get to that point is my next hurdle. Working out again is top on my list. For one I need to lose weight for my health and also I have a night out in April that I will probably have to buy a suit. Would prefer to be down in weight so that I could wear it when I need to in the future.

And then the fantasy question was posed to me on Saturday night. I said I don’t have any, since we did everything. The long drive home on Sunday I reflected more on it. This is where I was not quite accurate. There are fantasies that I have but didn’t think of them of fantasies until I thought about it more. Some of these have been my short erotic stories although I need to reflect more on what I would like. I haven’t really compile a list, but it is something that I will start to do over the next few weeks.

And my writing hopefully will be more consistent. I need to get stuff out. This is one form to help me process and analyze. It is another outlet that I need to keep going. As much as talking to people this helps me focus on me, and lets me express my feelings more clearly.