Fantasy – less

I don’t have any fantasies.  Well I did, when we first started.  One evening during the first month that we opened up so long ago we talked about it.  Saying to each other what we wanted to try or thought we would try.  Within the first few years I did pretty much everything that I wanted.  I have been asked on and off over past year about any others and I don’t have any.  I guess I am just not kinky enough.

Well maybe I am kinky, just not to the degree of exploring areas that do not interest me.  I have an issue with making a woman receive pain, something that happened a long time ago which has stuck with me since.  Oh I have tried it with Krystalla once on my own, and it was interesting, but I don’t really get off on it.  Krystalla’s boy toys do, with both of them being Dom’s.  It is something that of late has been on my mind more and more.  Even Lilly is looking into this area and it is something that I am confronted with.  What would I do?

Lilly let me into her private life a bit more after Cuba, providing me access to her journal.  The week I was gone she had a lot of stuff happen so she let me read what she experienced.  Yesterday at work I went and looked again and saw a few more entries, one being with a Dom she met and is starting to pursue.  She likes the idea of being a sub, or more like bottom.  Have to say thinking back she does respond well to it  although I am not the same level as a Dom.

What I did realize, from her writing, she outlined the experience from her point of view since she is learning.  Even after my wife and poly wife have tried to explain it was her writing that made everything click.  I now have a good understanding on what they experience along with how it is performed.  I have seen it done, by a few different men and even watching it didn’t help me understand it.  It was erotic seeing my wife on the cross and being worked over by them, but it still didn’t make me want to do it.  Even asked to help out and I declined.  I still don’t want to, at least not to the degree that her bf and poly husband perform it, but it has opened my eyes on what they are looking for.

Ironic that my gf so far away has opened up my mind to something that has been explained and discussed for over two years and it didn’t click.  Now that it has I still don’t think it would be something that I would pursue.  Well not to the degree that would be what they are craving.  My tastes are different and they understand that too.  They get both worlds where one can be physical but in different styles.  Of course, anything is possible.  Little bit of alcohol and the right playful mood and who knows, although that is also dangerous since I really don’t listen that well either.

One thing that I never do is what is asked of me.  If they want something specific I withhold longer.  It is my way of controlling the woman.  Just because you want my tongue on your pussy, or the fingers inserted doesn’t mean you are going to get it.  Krystalla has asked a few times for fingers of late and I refuse.  Why?  She wants it.  She craves it, and with me not giving that to her it makes her want it more.  When I was younger and I did this the woman would almost go wild.  Being older the reaction is a bit different but it can have the similar effect.  Not getting what you want, for me at least, can be more powerful.  Almost drives me crazy, and I would do things I don’t normally do.  Much like the woman I know, they seem to have the same reaction.

Controlling the situation is something that I enjoy and also do instinctively. Sure I have had times where I didn’t have control and it was hot.  It is not common but it has happened.  When I am controlling it is done without me knowing.  I have been told I am a verbal Dom, but I also am a physical Dom too in the same sense.  As much as it has been explained to me, I do still feel a bit lost since everyone seems to be moving forward with something.  Myself, I am still the same guy who loves to make woman cum on my terms.

This doesn’t mean the book is closed on it.  More that I am still trying to find my footing.  Understanding what is bugging me is very important in me processing.  My drive is different, and my woman know it.  They also appreciate what I offer and for that I am grateful.  Not being able to do a specific area doesn’t mean I am useless although at times it does have that feeling.  It is understanding why I feel that way and working through it.  That and also making the woman cum a few times usually takes the edge off as well.