Don’t expect it

I would like to thank one of my followers for this suggestion from my contact page.  It is a point that I have touched on a few times over the year but really never dwell on it to much.  Communication is very important as I mentioned numerous times, but setting expectations is something that also is equally important.  Without setting expectations things can get out of control, or worse drama can ensue that could cause complications or problems after the fact.

Let me start with my dates, actually when we both go out on a date.  Discussing what could happen, or the extent on what the thought might be is very important.  There is no surprises.  When we first started dating we didn’t fully do this.  Since I didn’t have any dates and Krystalla did she was the one that was going out more for coffee.  Well things seem to always heat up with her, and things happened that we didn’t discuss.  Hence where I coined the term “coffee with a side of cream”.  One night she went out and after she got home I found out she gave the guy head.  It was surprising and unexpected since they were just going to have coffee, maybe kiss.  At this point we both agreed that we confirm the extent on what might happen.  Over time this has evolved since we understand each other better and know what we expect to happen when we go out.  So for my dates she knows that sex is possible if timing and circumstances are right.  This also applies if I going out to a party alone, that if I qualify that I might be looking for girls that she is aware that things could happen.  Krystalla is not that free with herself but we both understand that when she goes out with someone new it will be for a meet and greet.  From there we both understand that more can happen as time goes on.  She is more selective and reserved but once things hit a certain point with the relationship I know that sex is going to be on the table.  I have even suggest it sometimes when she goes out.

This rule has evolved dramatically over time compared to the first couple of years.  This is because both have a solid understanding of each other.  We also usually have a strong idea on who the other person is seeing.  The additional rule that has come about is that both partners need to talk to the person who the spouse is interested and going out with.  This takes away some of the fears, anxiety as well as lets us get a feeling on who the person is.  Comfort is very important and having both of us interact gives us an idea on who the spouse is going to meet.  If a face to face happens even better but at least having the interaction gives a sense of understanding who they are getting involved with.

As a couple we also set expectations before going out.  This was not always the case when we first started this journey.  Oh we had a loose rule that that kissing and groping might happen but we didn’t always clearly outline expectations until sometime after.  This is because of lessons that we learned while meeting new couples.  Majority of the couples we met were new to the lifestyle, with a few that were not.  With new couples things can always get a bit messy, or worse not clear on what was expected unless we outlined clearly which we learned after the fact.

Our first couple that we met so long ago was one example.  We chatted for a bit and felt that we got along to finally met.  With our kids at that point being young we suggest that they visit our house and have a drink and talk.  The evening progressed quite well and when we got onto the topic about the lifestyle we started to outline what we were looking for.  This is when we discovered the woman was keen on having girl on girl.  This never came up during any the conversations before we met.  Krystalla is not bi and this made the other wife uncomfortable, to the point that the evening seem to end in a rush and I swore that they ran out of the house.  If we had set expectations on what our limits where this could have been avoided and not have created the awkward situation.

Another couple that we met sometime later was supposed to be meet and greet.  We drove to their house and upon arriving agreed that nothing is going to happen in the car.  Even though Krystalla new that the husband had went out and bought condoms I should have seen the red flags.  This couple had done soft swap supposedly with another couple, so we already had an idea on what their limitations were.  We were greeted by the wife and settled into the living room while we waited for the husband to finish showering.  Over the next half and hour the evening was relaxed and the conversation flowed well.  We went to get another glass of wine from the kitchen and then it happened.  The husband took my wife and started kissing her.  Looking his wife I kind of shrug my shoulders and kissed her.  This degraded quickly since by the time we caught up to my wife downstairs she was already half naked and his hands all over her body.

Not to long later we are all naked, performing oral and then it happens.  He wants to fuck my wife!  This is also during my time when I am not trusting my cock, and with this all being so quick in happening I vetoed the option.  I suspect he was disappointed, but I didn’t want to have an issue and feel embarrassed along with they have only ever done soft swap.  To complicate matters they are heading away for vacation in a few days for two weeks so I figured we could do the full swap once they got back.  The evening progressed into more oral and then we left.  This was not what we expected, and even though we said it was a meet and greet it degraded into a potential full swap.

After there vacation the husband was not talkative to Krystalla.  After a few days we finally found out he has changed his mind and doesn’t want to be in the lifestyle.  This was a shock to both of us since he initiated that evening and was all for it even before they went on their trip.  We never did find out what caused this 180 but it was something else that we learned.  Setting expectations for ourselves is one thing but we need to ensure that the other couple is on the same page as well.  If there is any disconnect things can get out of control which is potentially dangerous.  I am not saying it can’t work by it happening in this way, but there is risks that go along with it.

There really shouldn’t be any expectations when going into any relationship.  This includes meet and greet or even an evening out.  For one you can be disappointed if things don’t go your way, but it also adds potential pressure that is not needed.  The point of swinging as a couple is to have fun.  Each couple has their own way of doing this but there should be no set expectations for any meeting.  Pertain to the club scene as well I set expectations as well.  For me the club to me is a bit awkward.  I need to be at the club a couple of times to get an understand before I can play onsite.  I set an limit and expectation with my wife (or wives) so that they fully know what I am prepared to do.  Now it is also communicated that if things change we would discuss as a group/couple.  Again communication and no surprises.

In no way should there be an expectation of sex when going to see another couple.  If you have expectations on what you want to happen then discuss with the other couple.  Ensure that everyone is on the same page.  If it is a larger group then make sure you communicate to your wife on what you expect to happen.  If you will be focusing on one wife or any of them.  Cover your basis on what you think could happen and what you are looking for.  This can also be communicated to the other couples so that they are aware, but be cautious if you do this.  Drama could be generated if you tell one woman you will be focusing on them but within the group another woman that might feel left out since they were hoping to have you.  Delicate balance is required sometimes, and knowing the couple helps to understand the dynamics and risks on how you approach certain topics.

This also applies if something did happen that you didn’t expect.  Talk it out and ensure that you let the other couple know about it.  Be respectful and don’t try to play games or dance around the subject.  We are all adults here and as such should be treated like it.  This is not high school, we have all been through that grinder and don’t need to go through it again.  The few times that we have been told about things that happened that were not expected it was almost like an attack.  That they did nothing wrong and it was all our fault.  This has only happened a few times, and it was during the learning stage but it re-enforced our understanding of set expectations and stick to them.

As I mentioned communication is key to the lifestyle and this applies to what you talk about to the other couple that you are seeing.  Ensure that you have a clear understanding on what expectations are when meeting.  Is it for drinks?  Will we play and if so will it be group or separate?  Full swap or soft swap?  Will there be anyone else there (ie: kids, vanilla couple, etc)?  There are a lot of factors to the lifestyle and how you participate and having a strong understand on what is expected when you do go out will make things go much easier.  Drama is never anything that we want and most times if you get the rep that you cause drama you could be shunned from other meet ups or group events.  No one wants that to happen so be open about what you want.  You never know, you could end up with a couple that you become close friends with and enjoy the benefits as well.

Keep the questions or suggestions coming.  Feel free to reach me on twitter or my blog.