By Proxy

During the kinky camp weekend it was pointed out on what I am.  I have been vocal that I am not kinky.  Well not in the sense on what the women in my life want.  I am verbal and dominating in that sense, but that as far as it goes.

When we first started out, I was the devil on the shoulder.  I would suggest ideas and if it fit it would happen.  This was also because I didn’t have a grasp on all the rules and controls that are in place.  This worked well, and still happens when situation happens.  

During the weekend there was a situation where I voiced a suggestion.  Immediately it was voiced to happen, and at the end of it I was giggling.  More because the campsite across from us was watching and saw me interacting.   That is when they coined the term “by proxy”.  No way I am vanilla they stated and pointed out a few things during that “scene”.

This is when it clicked.  I can’t do the physical part of the scene.  I have tried in the past but know it is not me.  This proxy solution works, where the rules and controls are still enforced.  If it is not appropriate it will be vetoed.  If it is, then it would move ahead.  

And I took to the term the rest of the weekend.  It helped me understand my dynamic.  How I am verbal, and can be very controlling with my voice if situation is right.  I am comfortable with this role.  Although I wouldn’t go out to be in this role, it fits with our group dynamic.