A stab at Definitions

For the past few months (well actually over 6 since I started drafting this) the topic of different lifestyle terms has been brought up. Definitions are something that can be interpolated in different ways. Having the theme twisted or turned to fit within a set guidelines is where it can be complicated. Discussions surrounding poly, friends with benefit, open marriage and other areas has lead to me thinking more about my definitions. Like everything this is my personal opinion based on discussions with numerous different people, male and female in the lifestyle.

In no way I am going to discuss rules surrounding these points. There is no black and white rule governing how these fit within each other. The rules are based on the couple or person and their comfort zone on what is allowed.

Open marriage is king of the catch all term that fits within a lot of areas. This means that the couple, either partner or both, are open to exploring other sexual relationships. It has boundaries and rules for both that usually is design to protect them. I have seen different types over the years. Everyone is aware on the actions that the partner is doing. There are no secrets and communication is open both ways. There are varying degrees on communication but normally all aspects of their actions is shared.

Friends with Benefits (FWB) is the most common term that everyone has heard. The added benefit of someone that is a friend but also could have sex with. No strings attached causal sex. From our experience both partners may know the person or not. The main point on this is the friends is the key point. There is no feelings, or at least not to the degree that polyamory is. Caring for the other person for me usually goes along with it. This may not always be the case since it depends on the relationship.

Polyamory is where feelings are involved and the LOVE word is usually used. This is where open communication is so important. There is a relationship that is built and needs to be nurtured. Much like your marriage, it is work. Most people who enter into this do not so lightly. This relationship is also seeing more light in past year or two with it being brought forward in TV and movies.

Swinging is the couple enjoying companionship together. This could entail either partner or both having sex with another woman or man. Both are involved with the experience. There is a lot of misconceptions about this lifestyle from what I have seen. When people hear that a couple swings they make assumptions. Going to a swinger party people assume that they walk through the door and the clothes come off and sex happens right away. This is not the case, although there can be some parties like that. Majority are house like party settings, where people mingle. If they move off to another room to have sex they do. Most times this is no strings attached. This also tends to lead to group sex where multiple couples could joining together.

Cuckold (I always find this term funny to say) which usually can go along with the swinging lifestyle. The original term is from old english and was to insult the husband since his partner is cheating on him. In today’s world it has taken on a different meaning in the kink world. This is where the man enjoys watching their partner with another person. The man encourages it. They get off on the fact that someone else is pleasing their partner as they watch.

If I was asked about the terms above that is how I will explain them. This is my interpretation for these types of relationships. The key thing is that communication is happening between all parties. Along with rules and boundaries set by the couple. These almost always change over time since there is no definitive guidelines. One reason that it is being adopted more openly. The rules are not set in stone. The couple or partner(s) work out the guidelines and rules that work for them. These can always change at a later date, but it is designed to ensure everyone is on the same page. Without rules or guidelines it can get pretty messy quickly.

Mistakes will happen. It is a learning curve for everyone involved. The couple will discover things about themselves and their partners that they never knew before. My wife discovered a whole new side to her during over the years. Kink and BDSM is something that she is craving and gravitates towards. She has her partners that are able to fulfill this need.

Myself has realized things that I buried so long ago when I started dating my wife. As much as people say don’t change for your partner it is something that happens. Something that you don’t realize. I am not saying this is bad but it is something that we do without thinking. We want to please them.

If you and your partner do not talk then that is going to be your biggest mistake. I don’t mean the normal chit chat that you have been doing for so long. Clear communication. I have mentioned in other blogs that it is key. After years of marriage you get into a routine. Things just become normal and you don’t realize it. If you don’t keep the communication up, then there can be risks. Express your desires. Your fears and worries. It opens you up to opportunities along with discussing things that might be felt by both of you. Also opens up lines of communication on other areas or concerns. I can’t stress how important this is. It is something that my wife and myself didn’t realize until we started to actually talk openly.

Relationships are messing. Think about just your friends. How complicated it can be if some don’t get along with others. You also have some friends that are closer then others. To the point you would do anything for them. Friendships can get messy and complicated. I have had friends that just faded away. Others I have chosen not to hang with. Much building a relationship, friendship takes effort too.

Now imagine adding sex to the picture. It adds another layer and can make it more complex? And no I am not saying to think about your friends and then having sex with them. Attempting to show you how complicating things can get. If there is no communication, no open dialogue with everyone, then drama will ensue. This is not a tv show where it all works out. Feelings can be hurt, and with that friendships ruined. So always make sure that clear communication is done between all parties. It protects everyone involved and ensures that there is no surprises.

This post has been stewing on the site for months. Trying to word it right and make sure I cover off the points I planned. Over the past six years I have learned a lot. Made mistakes and learned from them. The points above are what I have observed and learned. This is by no means a hard guideline, but it gives a bit of clarity to what I have experienced and learned. For those of you learning or starting out take the time to research. Listen to podcasts or go to events locally in your area. Take your time to learn and understand. It will make the experience more enjoyable. It also reduces the chance of complications or drama.