Love, Life, and the lifestyle

I haven’t had to explain my situation of late.  When I do the hardest part for people to understand is why?  My girlfriend wrote Why Poly? Why Not? recently regarding this and I would like to expand on it a bit too.  Well more add my two cents about my thoughts and experiences.

Continue reading Love, Life, and the lifestyle

Oral discussion

We have known each other for over a year. We meet up, actually the same one that we meet our now quad couple, but with some complications we never had a chance to hook up again. It was only a meet and greet but we really enjoyed the time we spent talking to them.  When the opportunity that we all could get together again we basically all jumped on it. Continue reading Oral discussion

Feelings – when is it to much

The number of girls that I have dated and seen over the past few years is not that many.  Well at least not on the fwb side of things.  One reason why I enjoy meeting new women is getting to know someone.  Each one is exciting and the NRE is like a drug.  Even after it dissipates, the woman I have connection with is still there.  Sure I could just have a one night stand, but doesn’t mean that I would or could.  It would be hot, but it doesn’t offer the same experience since it is the connection that I enjoy more now.  Don’t get me wrong either, I wouldn’t turn it down if it did presented itself.

What does concern me is the connection and the level that is between the woman and me.  I have only a very few that I have strong feelings for.  When we first opened up we had a rule in place relating to love.  If the other person(s) become to a level of love then we would have to discuss and see how that relationship would proceed.  This rule hasn’t really changed, outside of the fact that we have a poly relationship along with my wife and myself having another bf and gf.  Complicated isn’t it?  Not to mention the other friends we have both couples and singles.  All with different level of feelings and emotions connecting each other.  I worry when these emotions become stronger then how I feel.  Concern that maybe things are not at the same place and I really don’t want any drama or someone hurt because of it.

When a woman starts to have stronger feelings for me than I do for them, I start to be a bit more wary.  I have been in the situation a few times when I was single and it was awkward.  Not saying that it is happening now, but it is something that I am very cautious of.  I do not want to have something progress to a point that I can’t reciprocate.  It is not that I don’t care for them, each one I have feelings for.  I do worry that if one side is not on the same page, then we end up with a possible situation.  This is where I worry about feelings getting hurt.  Drama is not something that I want or look for.  This is one of the situations that I am trying to ensure doesn’t happen.  It is a hard balance.

Recently talking to another friend of mine and she keeps asking about the lifestyle.  She is trying to understand the dynamics and how it all works.  The questions she has constantly brought up is jealousy and love.  How do you not fall into love or not get jealous?  What happens if you do?  It is two very important questions that I have been asked not by her only but by others as well when they hear about our lifestyle.  It is also one the hardest ones to explain since it is not something tangible.  It is emotions which you can’t see or touch but only feel.  And not everyone would feel the same so this is where it gets hard to try to separate things.  This is also where I will draw the line if the feelings are not mutual.

I have different levels of attention and affection with the women in my life.  To be fair, I care for them all, but some I have stronger connection than others.  This doesn’t mean that any other less or more, I work to keep everyone equal.  What becomes an issue is when feelings become stronger on one side then what I am feeling towards them.  I don’t get defensive but I do start to pull away.  It has become instinctive sometimes, and I don’t even realized I am doing it.  Krystalla notices it more and points it out when she is concerned.  Separating from that person and make sure that I don’t go down that rabbit hole that I might not be able to get out of.  Not wanting any drama and emotions is one of the major factors for creating this separation.

What is worse is that I worry if I don’t speak up that things could escalate.  As much as I am open in all things, sometimes trying to tell someone that you are not at the same level can get awkward.  Worse, I don’t see the women often so not something that can really be done over text.  So much like everything with the women in my life timing is a factor.  This is what will happen if things progres to a point that I am not comfortable with. Doesn’t mean this is happening now.

Jealously is another emotion that can be just as complicated.  Not something that you can shut off.  Most times it is not jealously but more envious of the situation.  Much like the women that go out and have fun with another partner, including my wives, I get envious.  This will never go away, and it is part of human nature.  As long as you can identify why you are getting jealous, that will allow you to understand how to work through it.  Like I said earlier, most time is not really jealously but envious that you are not in the same situation.  I have no issues with my wife having another cock buried in her.  Sure I am jealous that she is getting attention, but it because she is having that opportunity.  The cock being pounding in and out of her is not the issue I worry about.

I also feel guilty when I go out and have fun and my wife is sitting home alone.  Both of these feelings can be worked though as long as you identify why you are feeling that way.  That is the key to understanding why so you can deal with it.  Lately I haven’t had the issue since I have meet all play partners.  This makes the experience easier since it is not some stranger that we only know their name.  Respect from all parties is important.  We are all adults here, and if we actually behave like one then most times emotional issues are reduced.

There is also the attention that I give to the fwb, wives and new opportunities.  No new blood on the horizon, but there are a couple of women that I would hope to consider some type of relationship.  As I mentioned below I work to create equality between all of my friends.  Obviously if there is someone new my attention is more focused on that one lady, but I still ensure that the other ones are not forgotten.  There has been times that I am talking to five women at once, and as much as I might curse it with my wife laughing at me, I enjoy it.  The added fact is that with anyone new you get the new relationship energy (NRE) flowing and it is such a high.  Addictive is another way of thinking about it.  You seem to always think about the person and you can’t wait to talk to them again.  Something that does wane off over time.  Even though I might be on this drug doesn’t mean that everyone else disappears.  It is a fine balance, one that I am fairly good at majority of the time.  If not the wives will usually remind me with a good smack up side of the head.

Not everyone is equal but I try to balance everyone as best I can.  Like most of my friends we can’t drop everything and just do something.  Responsibility is one thing that holds myself, along with the majority of my partners including my wife, back most of the time.  We have a few more years until we have some more freedom but till then we will work through the challenges that we face.  For myself I don’t see any new blood for a while, since the effort it takes is extremely high and introducing another woman to my world takes a lot of effort.  Not that I don’t want to do that, but I also don’t want to set expectations that can’t be met.  If the woman knows my background, lifestyle and relationships they can decide if they want to pursue.  I love the chase but not going to pressure or ask the woman out if there is no way it would work with our busy lives.

The other side of the coin is that the current relationships that I have are going very well.  Timing has been a factor, and the past few weeks I have been stressing at work over a promotion so my head really hasn’t been on the dating scene as much.  Heck even sex has dropped of some since I am just not in the mood.  Hopefully this clears soon so that I can be back to my normal chatty self.  We have busy lives, and the relationships that we have are important to us all.  Making sure feelings and emotions do not get to out of control is an important factor along with seeing them when we can.  July is going to be a very busy month with the schedule we have and I hope that we have time for everyone.

Emotions are not tangible. Can not be seen. Dealing with them is difficult, more so if they are not discussed. Luckily everyone I am involved with really try not to hide the emotions. It can be a lot of work but the reward is so worth it in the end.

Inner circles

One thing that I have found interesting is the amount of relationships that you can build in the lifestyle.  The interaction and how everyone knows each other fascinates me.  This also means that there are potentially more risk.  Open communication is so important, more so with multiple partners.

Recently had my tests done for STD and came back negative.  I was not to worried about it.  Want to find an easier way to do this since I don’t want to have to book my appointment with my doctor each time.  This also brings up another point that has been on my mind all weekend.  Exposing the group to a potential risk.  Not something that I want to happen, but with this lifestyle there is bound to be a question about it.

Let me step back and qualify something.  Last year a member of our quad had found a fwb.  Unfortunately an issue came up with STD and because of the risk to the quad it was tabled for all of us to discuss.  It was a pretty short conversation, and it didn’t take long for the option to continue was rejected due to the risk.  It was not something that was easy to discuss and I knew it would be something that will come up again.

Our quad has also gotten more social of late. Well not us but our other couple, going to regular hangouts with like-minded people. This has allowed them to meet and get to know others in the lifestyle.  I am a little envious with the options, for one that they have a decent group of like-minded friends that regularly hangout and do activities.  We don’t really have that were we are, at least not to the degree it seems.  Most likely we will try to get out for one meet up just to get a basis of the people in our area.

Anyways I am getting side tracked.  We actually got to meet their friends one evening for a party.  Lot of fun that evening and I can understand why they got along with this group.  Friendly and respectful, everyone seem to just get along so easily, it was a great evening of laughs.  Also let me meet another lady who has me curious, and by chance she was going to near by for business a month later.  She asked me if I was free and if I wanted to go out, which I jumped at the chance.  Sex was not on the table, but it was still be a good time in just hanging out.

We texted on and off up to the day of the date.  Discussing her relationships issues and other facts about both of ourselves.  By the time the date rolled around I had a fairly good understanding of who she was.  At least until dinner that evening.  She opened up more, and I was probably wide-eyed at the information that she provided to me.  Needless to say I had a great time at dinner.  The stories we shared about past experiences along with likes had me curious.  After we got back to her hotel, which we couldn’t stay in her room for a number of reasons, we just wandered the property talking.  This is where the awkward conversation came up, the one where STD is brought up.

The reason I say awkward is very important.  First it was cute how she was fumbling around trying to get this issue brought up.  Secondly, the only reason most people are awkward about something that could affect them along with the person they are talking to is because she has interests.  I already had some idea of this talking to the quad, but this was the first clear sign that she was interested in me.  This is what made my mind go into overdrive as she attempted to explain the situation.  It is not overly complicated, the risk is still a risk and needed to be brought up.  She also was aware of the situation that was brought up before since she is also friends with that lady.  Like I implied earlier, small circle of friends.

We didn’t do anything that evening, as much as I really wanted too.  Someone how my cock was rock hard just hugging her.  Which reminds me I still have to get her back for that.  Anyways, this brought up the need to have another talk with the quad.  Krystalla stated that this is a different situation and as much as she tried to make me believe that, I knew that it wasn’t.  After the last meeting it was pretty clear to the woman on what needed to be done.  I didn’t think it was going to be that complicated this time either.

The discussion was pretty quick.  Honestly, it was mostly the woman talking.  Both of us men were quiet, knowing the outcome regardless of this formal talk over Skype.  I basically did a “I told you so” at the end and basically vented to myself as I was outside having a brain break.  I think my main concern is not the STD, the risks to the quad, or even to the my other fwb, but that it feels that we shunned this person because of the potential exposure she could have.  Think that is my biggest issue.  Feeling that we isolate them because of the risk.  Sure we hang out, party and flirt, but the physical part is off-limits due to the risk.

The last thing that was going through my mind was my fwb.  The risk and exposure are something that I can’t share with them, and to be honest I hope that they have the same respect for me if they are also finding something like this out.  One of my former fwb had a scare after we first met.  Timeline I was not affected, but it was something that made me realize that the risk does exist.  You see I went bareback before I was married.  I rarely used condoms.  Really wasn’t the most innocent back then.  Then again I am not really that innocent right now.

So after all this writing, and telling everyone about this situation, what is the point to this blog post?  Simple, get tested on regular basis if you are in the lifestyle.  Always make sure you are upfront with any potential play partner about your current status of STD.  There is nothing to be embarrassed about asking if someone has been tested.  For the sake of everyone that you are involved with, especially your primary partner, make sure to understand if there any risks.  Not like when I was younger and didn’t care, I am now dating for two.  Well, four if you really want to get technical.  Either way the risk I take is also risk for everyone in the quad and not something that I want to risk.  The conversation that we have had now on STD has started other discussions regarding STD.  This topic will never go away and that is good.  It makes sure that we are aware and thinking about that when playing with anyone new, if it happens in the future.

Alcohol friend and foe

Alcohol is my friend most days.  It helps me relax and be myself.  Normally I hold back and can be cautious.  With alcohol it allows me to become myself.  In some ways this can be good, and in others not so good.  I have always known that when I am drinking my true self comes out.  The problem is that sometimes this can be my downfall as well.

Now you are thinking what is the downfall.  First if drink enough I will blackout.  Won’t remember events unless reminded the next day or later.  I hate when this happens, since to me it is embarrassing.  Being reminded on what you did or what happened is not always the best way to remember.  Especially if the issue is not good.  Most of the time there are no issues, but there can be some instances where I am overly friendly.

The past few months I have been learning on more on how I am with alcohol, mainly in large amounts.  Cuba really showed me a lot since it was inclusive and the intake was very high.  Mixing wasn’t the issue, which is a bit surprising, but more the amount and the effect.  I remember majority of the first couple of nights the day after.  As time went on those memories faded fast, and even being reminded on what happened has not really helped.  This is the my first hurdle, ensure the intake is not excessive and that I am balanced so that I don’t get to this point.

The second one I learned is where I am more embarrassed.  When I am carefree I am a lot of fun to be with.  I also can be overly friendly, and at times might push the boundaries to much.  The other part is that I can also become selfish.  So finding the right level to ensure that I am not to far gone is going to be hard.  There is a fine line between feeling good, drunk, and way past drunk.  In Cuba the nights I was healthy and drunk I was carefree to the point of I didn’t listen.  It was for me and yes I did please the women but I was not attentive to any requests.  After I got ill I curbed the intake and found that being more balanced on the alcohol, I was more cautious, but at least controlled.  Fine line to find and I am slowly working it out.

Alcohol works on different people in different ways.  I have always believed that your true self is revealed when drinking and getting drunk.  The problem is that my true self is cool up to a certain point.  The happy and carefree Gunner, until I go to far.  This is my realization now and with that I think I can ensure that I keep this demon in control.  Unless the woman wants it, then by all means let it out.  I am not a DOM by nature but if enough alcohol is applied I can be a very selfish, uncaring DOM which makes me more worried since I may not remember the events.  Not something that I want to have happened.

Much like the past few years I have learned more about myself.  The doors I have unlocked that were so long ago boarded up are now cracking open.  That is one thing that Krystalla has been trying to understand.  What I have locked away and kept closed.  These doors are opening at random of late and with each one there is good and bad.  That is for another post I think.  I am not the twenty year old anymore who was single, didn’t care and took what I wanted.  Respect and listening is who I am now and losing that when I drink to much is basically losing myself.

 

Not right now

One thing that happens is the word “no” . It is not meant as an insult. Or even a rejection. Most times it is situational. Not right time of the month, to fast, or maybe just uncomfortable. There a multitude of reasons for the word to be said. The one factor is that it is respected.

Respect your partner and spouses. Very important since there are times that things go to fast. And yes I have turned down sex. When I was younger as well as in group play. Not a common occurrence but it does happen.  The issue is don’t take offence to it. Don’t pressure the situation or ask for details as to why. The reason maybe personal and not wanting to be discussed at the exact time. Doesn’t mean it won’t come up in conversation later. Just respect the person and understand it is not you.

The world of kink uses other terms. Usually words that warn on threshold. Red, yellow and usually another colour depict the stop level. As much as a dom might be the one controlling the scene it is the sub who controls the outcome. There level of comfort, sensation, and pain depict how far they can go.  I don’t mean that this should be used for everyone in regular sex. Saying the usually “harder” or “don’t stop” is just as effective. The difference is that when in kink begging can be a part of it so using the keywords allows the Dom to understand when it is a real request.

Just because a woman stops what is happening is no insult to either of you. I have one lady that at some point will hook up and we have discussed in length about the sex. And we also discussed the word no since if she becomes uncomfortable she wants it to stop.  I fully respect that and appreciate that we have discussed what the concerns are.

I have had this happen to me recently. Unknown to me I was to rough and when the partner was saying no I didn’t hear. We talked about it a a few days later and we qualified what she expects. She also covered what happened and why it was not enjoyable. She had a hard time starting the conversation but once we got talking it all came out. I was happy she told me and even as I apologize over and over she understood it was an accident. It was not intentional.  And sex later that night was great.  Like when you are first dating someone you need to understand their needs in their bedroom.  Just because your old partner was more kinky or could tolerate pain more doesn’t mean the new girl you are with can do the same.

In group play there is bound to be some issues to come up.  If things are not fully discussed than most likely this is where you will get told no.  It is not a rejection.  When I said no to sex with the one couple we saw it was for a few reasons.  Primarily it was our first time meeting them and we ended up naked so quickly.  The no was more, not now, later.  I am glad we did that since after the meeting things did fall apart and I don’t know how they would have felt if we did have sex that night.  I rejected the option to protect ourselves along with the couple.  Full intentions of fucking later, just not at that time.

You can try to mitigate the potential of having the partner say no.  You may want to confirm any questions you have. As I have stated before communication is key. Understanding your partners limits, needs along with expectations makes the play time more enjoyable. No surprises. Unless of course you doing an activity that has that then we’ll go ahead. Just ensure you both are on same page. More often than not you might assume something and this is where things get uncomfortable.  This is where the activity could be stopped.

Talk it out with the partner or couple when you have a chance if this happens.  This usually means that you didn’t clearly communicate before you proceeded to the bedroom.  Now that you are aware that something wasn’t right you can discuss and figure out what boundaries might have been crossed.  As much as I feel I repeat myself communication is so important.  Without it you will have drama and problems all the time, so keep up the talking.  Discuss everything regarding fantasies, wants, and needs.  What you will and will not do.  Get it out in the open with your partner or couple.  You might be surprised and find out similar thoughts from them too.

Benefits reduced

I always let the woman know that benefits are a bonus.  Sure, I wish it can happen more but timing and life is a factor.  The other side of the coin is how relationships change.  Again I have lost benefits from one of my good friends.  It is funny how things happen and even over the year I have known her I should at least be used to it.  I’m not.  Continue reading Benefits reduced

Birthday and new friends

I swear the birthdays just don’t seem to end. Since March it seems someone always has a birth around the corner. This time it is Lexxi’s turn and Bob had made arrangements for some of their friends to come over to celebrate it.

Krystalla informed me that they were friends they have met through different meet ups in local area. I have heard about them during our chats about the meet ups and what they experienced at them. I was a little excited. Well more than a little.  Meeting like mind people in the lifestyle is a lot of fun. Plus you get to hear about other experiences. Continue reading Birthday and new friends

Don’t expect it

I would like to thank one of my followers for this suggestion from my contact page.  It is a point that I have touched on a few times over the year but really never dwell on it to much.  Communication is very important as I mentioned numerous times, but setting expectations is something that also is equally important.  Without setting expectations things can get out of control, or worse drama can ensue that could cause complications or problems after the fact.

Continue reading Don’t expect it