Feelings – when is it to much

The number of girls that I have dated and seen over the past few years is not that many.  Well at least not on the fwb side of things.  One reason why I enjoy meeting new women is getting to know someone.  Each one is exciting and the NRE is like a drug.  Even after it dissipates, the woman I have connection with is still there.  Sure I could just have a one night stand, but doesn’t mean that I would or could.  It would be hot, but it doesn’t offer the same experience since it is the connection that I enjoy more now.  Don’t get me wrong either, I wouldn’t turn it down if it did presented itself.

What does concern me is the connection and the level that is between the woman and me.  I have only a very few that I have strong feelings for.  When we first opened up we had a rule in place relating to love.  If the other person(s) become to a level of love then we would have to discuss and see how that relationship would proceed.  This rule hasn’t really changed, outside of the fact that we have a poly relationship along with my wife and myself having another bf and gf.  Complicated isn’t it?  Not to mention the other friends we have both couples and singles.  All with different level of feelings and emotions connecting each other.  I worry when these emotions become stronger then how I feel.  Concern that maybe things are not at the same place and I really don’t want any drama or someone hurt because of it.

When a woman starts to have stronger feelings for me than I do for them, I start to be a bit more wary.  I have been in the situation a few times when I was single and it was awkward.  Not saying that it is happening now, but it is something that I am very cautious of.  I do not want to have something progress to a point that I can’t reciprocate.  It is not that I don’t care for them, each one I have feelings for.  I do worry that if one side is not on the same page, then we end up with a possible situation.  This is where I worry about feelings getting hurt.  Drama is not something that I want or look for.  This is one of the situations that I am trying to ensure doesn’t happen.  It is a hard balance.

Recently talking to another friend of mine and she keeps asking about the lifestyle.  She is trying to understand the dynamics and how it all works.  The questions she has constantly brought up is jealousy and love.  How do you not fall into love or not get jealous?  What happens if you do?  It is two very important questions that I have been asked not by her only but by others as well when they hear about our lifestyle.  It is also one the hardest ones to explain since it is not something tangible.  It is emotions which you can’t see or touch but only feel.  And not everyone would feel the same so this is where it gets hard to try to separate things.  This is also where I will draw the line if the feelings are not mutual.

I have different levels of attention and affection with the women in my life.  To be fair, I care for them all, but some I have stronger connection than others.  This doesn’t mean that any other less or more, I work to keep everyone equal.  What becomes an issue is when feelings become stronger on one side then what I am feeling towards them.  I don’t get defensive but I do start to pull away.  It has become instinctive sometimes, and I don’t even realized I am doing it.  Krystalla notices it more and points it out when she is concerned.  Separating from that person and make sure that I don’t go down that rabbit hole that I might not be able to get out of.  Not wanting any drama and emotions is one of the major factors for creating this separation.

What is worse is that I worry if I don’t speak up that things could escalate.  As much as I am open in all things, sometimes trying to tell someone that you are not at the same level can get awkward.  Worse, I don’t see the women often so not something that can really be done over text.  So much like everything with the women in my life timing is a factor.  This is what will happen if things progres to a point that I am not comfortable with. Doesn’t mean this is happening now.

Jealously is another emotion that can be just as complicated.  Not something that you can shut off.  Most times it is not jealously but more envious of the situation.  Much like the women that go out and have fun with another partner, including my wives, I get envious.  This will never go away, and it is part of human nature.  As long as you can identify why you are getting jealous, that will allow you to understand how to work through it.  Like I said earlier, most time is not really jealously but envious that you are not in the same situation.  I have no issues with my wife having another cock buried in her.  Sure I am jealous that she is getting attention, but it because she is having that opportunity.  The cock being pounding in and out of her is not the issue I worry about.

I also feel guilty when I go out and have fun and my wife is sitting home alone.  Both of these feelings can be worked though as long as you identify why you are feeling that way.  That is the key to understanding why so you can deal with it.  Lately I haven’t had the issue since I have meet all play partners.  This makes the experience easier since it is not some stranger that we only know their name.  Respect from all parties is important.  We are all adults here, and if we actually behave like one then most times emotional issues are reduced.

There is also the attention that I give to the fwb, wives and new opportunities.  No new blood on the horizon, but there are a couple of women that I would hope to consider some type of relationship.  As I mentioned below I work to create equality between all of my friends.  Obviously if there is someone new my attention is more focused on that one lady, but I still ensure that the other ones are not forgotten.  There has been times that I am talking to five women at once, and as much as I might curse it with my wife laughing at me, I enjoy it.  The added fact is that with anyone new you get the new relationship energy (NRE) flowing and it is such a high.  Addictive is another way of thinking about it.  You seem to always think about the person and you can’t wait to talk to them again.  Something that does wane off over time.  Even though I might be on this drug doesn’t mean that everyone else disappears.  It is a fine balance, one that I am fairly good at majority of the time.  If not the wives will usually remind me with a good smack up side of the head.

Not everyone is equal but I try to balance everyone as best I can.  Like most of my friends we can’t drop everything and just do something.  Responsibility is one thing that holds myself, along with the majority of my partners including my wife, back most of the time.  We have a few more years until we have some more freedom but till then we will work through the challenges that we face.  For myself I don’t see any new blood for a while, since the effort it takes is extremely high and introducing another woman to my world takes a lot of effort.  Not that I don’t want to do that, but I also don’t want to set expectations that can’t be met.  If the woman knows my background, lifestyle and relationships they can decide if they want to pursue.  I love the chase but not going to pressure or ask the woman out if there is no way it would work with our busy lives.

The other side of the coin is that the current relationships that I have are going very well.  Timing has been a factor, and the past few weeks I have been stressing at work over a promotion so my head really hasn’t been on the dating scene as much.  Heck even sex has dropped of some since I am just not in the mood.  Hopefully this clears soon so that I can be back to my normal chatty self.  We have busy lives, and the relationships that we have are important to us all.  Making sure feelings and emotions do not get to out of control is an important factor along with seeing them when we can.  July is going to be a very busy month with the schedule we have and I hope that we have time for everyone.

Emotions are not tangible. Can not be seen. Dealing with them is difficult, more so if they are not discussed. Luckily everyone I am involved with really try not to hide the emotions. It can be a lot of work but the reward is so worth it in the end.

Not right now

One thing that happens is the word “no” . It is not meant as an insult. Or even a rejection. Most times it is situational. Not right time of the month, to fast, or maybe just uncomfortable. There a multitude of reasons for the word to be said. The one factor is that it is respected.

Respect your partner and spouses. Very important since there are times that things go to fast. And yes I have turned down sex. When I was younger as well as in group play. Not a common occurrence but it does happen.  The issue is don’t take offence to it. Don’t pressure the situation or ask for details as to why. The reason maybe personal and not wanting to be discussed at the exact time. Doesn’t mean it won’t come up in conversation later. Just respect the person and understand it is not you.

The world of kink uses other terms. Usually words that warn on threshold. Red, yellow and usually another colour depict the stop level. As much as a dom might be the one controlling the scene it is the sub who controls the outcome. There level of comfort, sensation, and pain depict how far they can go.  I don’t mean that this should be used for everyone in regular sex. Saying the usually “harder” or “don’t stop” is just as effective. The difference is that when in kink begging can be a part of it so using the keywords allows the Dom to understand when it is a real request.

Just because a woman stops what is happening is no insult to either of you. I have one lady that at some point will hook up and we have discussed in length about the sex. And we also discussed the word no since if she becomes uncomfortable she wants it to stop.  I fully respect that and appreciate that we have discussed what the concerns are.

I have had this happen to me recently. Unknown to me I was to rough and when the partner was saying no I didn’t hear. We talked about it a a few days later and we qualified what she expects. She also covered what happened and why it was not enjoyable. She had a hard time starting the conversation but once we got talking it all came out. I was happy she told me and even as I apologize over and over she understood it was an accident. It was not intentional.  And sex later that night was great.  Like when you are first dating someone you need to understand their needs in their bedroom.  Just because your old partner was more kinky or could tolerate pain more doesn’t mean the new girl you are with can do the same.

In group play there is bound to be some issues to come up.  If things are not fully discussed than most likely this is where you will get told no.  It is not a rejection.  When I said no to sex with the one couple we saw it was for a few reasons.  Primarily it was our first time meeting them and we ended up naked so quickly.  The no was more, not now, later.  I am glad we did that since after the meeting things did fall apart and I don’t know how they would have felt if we did have sex that night.  I rejected the option to protect ourselves along with the couple.  Full intentions of fucking later, just not at that time.

You can try to mitigate the potential of having the partner say no.  You may want to confirm any questions you have. As I have stated before communication is key. Understanding your partners limits, needs along with expectations makes the play time more enjoyable. No surprises. Unless of course you doing an activity that has that then we’ll go ahead. Just ensure you both are on same page. More often than not you might assume something and this is where things get uncomfortable.  This is where the activity could be stopped.

Talk it out with the partner or couple when you have a chance if this happens.  This usually means that you didn’t clearly communicate before you proceeded to the bedroom.  Now that you are aware that something wasn’t right you can discuss and figure out what boundaries might have been crossed.  As much as I feel I repeat myself communication is so important.  Without it you will have drama and problems all the time, so keep up the talking.  Discuss everything regarding fantasies, wants, and needs.  What you will and will not do.  Get it out in the open with your partner or couple.  You might be surprised and find out similar thoughts from them too.

Timing is everthing

Working out of Toronto is a pain. My routine for morning and evening is way out of whack. No free time is what I am experiencing and it has been along time since I have dealt with it.  Add on the social aspect and it is compounded. I normally talk all the time but driving over three hours as day has made me appear invisible. Plus work is busy so I can’t just chat throughout he day.  It is an adjustment that I am working through.

Since I have been back from Cuba I have seen one of my fwb.  Actually, it was my first date so to speak.  I normally go out for coffee or hang out at coffee shop but this one was an actual date.  Out for dinner and then finding something to do.  It was a lot of fun, and I hope to do it again sometime.  Also got to skype with Lilly for a bit on Sunday.  It is always nice to see her again although we talk regular enough.  Didn’t realize how good skype can be to help connecting with someone so far away.  We did that with Lexxi and Bob off and on over the first year we dated.  It helped with the distance, allowed us to connect at least with voice and face instead of just words on a phone.  I don’t do this with just anyone either, kind of shy on video chat.

So the second week is here after returning from Cuba.  I am driving to Toronto for work and now I have multiple dates lined up this week.  Weird how things seem to change so quickly.  Granted these are coffee dates, but I get to see my fwb who I have haven’t seen in a while.  I think Krystalla was giggling to herself when I kept adding dates.  She loves it when I get all giddy like.  Even Lexxi got a kick out of it when she saw me like this the one weekend we were together.

Guess it comes down to timing.  Much like everything else in life we really don’t slow down.  I keep getting told by a few of my fwb that I am “too busy”.  I keep saying that I am not but perception sure seems like it.  We have become more social, and with a larger group of friends we seem to be constantly hooking up for drinks and chatting.  Something that we really haven’t had since a long time ago in our old house when we connected with our neighbours.  We were inseparable during the time we lived there, either at their place or ours.  Our kids got along great and it was something that we both looked forward to after a long week at work.

There comes a point when you have to slow down and take stock.  Make time for things that you want to do.  My youngest just had another birthday and I realized that time is going by way to fast.  Not wanting to miss anything I am starting to realize that as you get older time seems to speed up.  More because we are so involved in our lives.  Work, family and friends seem to keep us busy and there really needs time to take a break and appreciate it all.

Cuba was like that, as much as I missed a few days, we were able to decompress and slow down.  Oh we drank a lot, and with me isolated for two days I had lots of time to think.  It allowed us to ground ourselves again, slow down the pace, and enjoy ourselves as much as our friends.  I don’t foresee going on vacations like that every year, we just don’t have the luxory, but it is something that I need to replicate once a year.  Maybe not all you can drink, but time to decompress and take a break.

I miss all my fwb, some who I haven’t seen in months or even longer.  Timing in seeing them has always been a challenge.  Patience and timing is what I have come to rely on and this coming week it seems that I will be overly busy.  Although Krystalla will be a little off since her bf seems to be overly busy this month so she will be seeing him a little less than normal.  Timing.  Really does suck.  Even for our quad we are booking now three or four months out so that we can ensure we have time to met each other.

And then there is Lilly, who I hope to see sooner than later.  The distance and timing, plus finding some cash to afford to go, is another thing.  Also means we have to schedule it so she is available and not working.  She is busy too, so timing on both of our parts will be important so we can enjoy our time together.  My calendar is going to be getting pretty full from all the friends we have, I just hope we can accommodate everyone.  That has been my biggest fear of late.

Transparency

One thing that I have thought humorous over past the years is “the number”.  Telling a guy friend that I am seeing 5 girls at once they pretty much give you a high-five.  Response from a woman is not the same.  Most times there is a long pause.  Then lots of questions.

I do not hide that I am married.  That is usually the first thing that a woman gets defensive about.  The second is that I have other girls as friends.  Some intimate but really not a regular thing.  Funny thing is men hear that and can’t understand why I would do that.  Why would you want to have all these women and not have sex with them.  The women react similar to a degree, but seem to understand better once I explain it. Continue reading Transparency

Welcome to the swing, just don’t fall off

There is no rule book or guideline to read.  I have mentioned this a few times in my previous blogs.  This makes the lifestyle unique since there are only two rules that are common with all couples.  Respect and Honesty.  These two points are mandatory if you plan to make the lifestyle work.

Respect is so important since you are dealing with multiple people, sometimes all at one time.  If you don’t have any respect than things could get out of hand or even dangerous.  With that said, if everyone is respectful of each other things go smoothly.  That is one reasons why the clubs are so great for the woman.  They know that they don’t have to deal with the assholes, everyone is respectful at those places.

Honesty is the second one since if there are any deceit or lies, drama ensues and that is one thing that is not needed.  This allows everyone to be on same page.  Understanding where group is coming from and what is expected makes things go smoothly.  No surprises, and with that no drama or problems.  You can never be to honest with anyone, although sometimes they may not want to hear it.  Keep in mind that it keeps everyone on the same page.  Now don’t get me wrong, you can have surprises, but those are more game or fantasies.

Where the majority of couples that make mistakes when starting out is in a couple of ways.  The first is diving in with both feet in the deep end.  Yes this can work, but to be honest it usually causes more problem, since most times honesty and trust has not been solidified between them which secures them in their own relationship.  This usually creates heated discussions.  This can work for the strong bonded couples but the ones that are feeling this lifestyle out, really should take their time.  Start off very slow and see how things progress and talk about everything with your partner.

The other area that seems to be the biggest problem is communication.  They don’t honestly communicate all their feelings, fears, doubts, concerns, fantasies, hopes, dreams, and anything else that comes up.  My point is that marriage, in it self can become stale or vanilla.  Plain and nothing changes.  You stop talking and take things for granted.  Not until you start to honestly talk about everything that you start to realize what you have been missing.  It is one the revelations that happens when you open up.  It took both my wife and me by surprise on how much we stop talking.  We took for granted each other on multiple levels.  Opening up made our relationship stronger and also made us more aware of each other.  Hard to believe, but it is one thing that has been confirmed to us by numerous couples that have opened up.

So how do you stay on the swing?  Simply is talk, take a step, talk more, and repeat.  No rushing into this.  This is not something to save your marriage, but to strengthen it.  If you are using this to save your marriage, then talk extensively before you do anything and really go at a turtles pace.  I am no counsellor but I stress to take it slow if your marriage is not on solid ground.  This lifestyle will cause earthquakes at times and if you are not solid it could cause more problems than solving any.

The next thing is to set boundaries, rules, limitations, whatever you want to call them.  Make them fit BOTH of your ideals and make sure you are both comfortable with them.  Honesty is key here.  If you are not honest with yourself and your partner this will cause issues.  Once you have these in place don’t waver from them.  They are there to protect you.  As well as the other couple or fwb that you encounter.  And never, ever change your rules based on the other couples suggestion.  No one in the lifestyle asks another couple to change their rules.  That is disrespectful and in no way should another couple compromise what rules you have in place.  Now keep in mind, that like everything, rules can be modified.

Just don’t think about changing the rules on the fly.  What I mean by this, if you have a rule of soft swap only, you should stick to this.  Maybe you go to a meet and greet party, and you have no plans on doing anything.  Things happen and you meet a couple you are attracted to and you go off alone into another room.  You have not broken your couple rules, but you might go past the boundaries you set for the party.  There is a difference.  Keep in mind that you can stop at any time and talk if you have too.  NO couple will stop you from doing this.  If they do they don’t respect you, pack up and leave.  As you can see from the simple example, rules are there to protect the both of you.  As long as you conform to them you will be fine.

Please don’t think I am any type of expert.  I am laying out what we have learned in the almost three years of being in the lifestyle.  We have dabbled in numerous areas and this has allowed us to get a few skid marks along the way.  It has made us stronger from our highs and lows.  Interacting with other like minded couples has allowed us to gain knowledge.  Meet and greets in your local area are great to know like minded couple and you would be surprised on what you can learn.

I hope this helps those that are new and looking for some starting point.  We all started in this lifestyle and we all came into it in different ways.  As long as you having fun and being safe than enjoy.  Don’t take anything for granted and make sure to hold to true to yourself and as a couple.

 

The work place and sex is complicated

Having been in in the lifestyle for two and half years and still going does not make me an expert.  We have learnt a lot from our mistakes and miscommunication.  Since some of my friends confide in me it has exposed me to questions that are raised.  The one question that came up recently, and also has me concerned as well, is the workplace.  I am aware of a few friends who have temptation, including myself, and the fear is on multiple levels on how to proceed if pursuing someone in the workplace.

Let me be clear that I have no degree in any of this so this is my opinion.  With that said I think there are a few points to consider in regard to the workplace and the risks/rewards associated with having some outside of work fun.  Keep in mind this discussion leans more to the open marriage side but can relate if you are single as well. Continue reading The work place and sex is complicated