There is no rule book or guideline to read. I have mentioned this a few times in my previous blogs. This makes the lifestyle unique since there are only two rules that are common with all couples. Respect and Honesty. These two points are mandatory if you plan to make the lifestyle work.
Respect is so important since you are dealing with multiple people, sometimes all at one time. If you don’t have any respect than things could get out of hand or even dangerous. With that said, if everyone is respectful of each other things go smoothly. That is one reasons why the clubs are so great for the woman. They know that they don’t have to deal with the assholes, everyone is respectful at those places.
Honesty is the second one since if there are any deceit or lies, drama ensues and that is one thing that is not needed. This allows everyone to be on same page. Understanding where group is coming from and what is expected makes things go smoothly. No surprises, and with that no drama or problems. You can never be to honest with anyone, although sometimes they may not want to hear it. Keep in mind that it keeps everyone on the same page. Now don’t get me wrong, you can have surprises, but those are more game or fantasies.
Where the majority of couples that make mistakes when starting out is in a couple of ways. The first is diving in with both feet in the deep end. Yes this can work, but to be honest it usually causes more problem, since most times honesty and trust has not been solidified between them which secures them in their own relationship. This usually creates heated discussions. This can work for the strong bonded couples but the ones that are feeling this lifestyle out, really should take their time. Start off very slow and see how things progress and talk about everything with your partner.
The other area that seems to be the biggest problem is communication. They don’t honestly communicate all their feelings, fears, doubts, concerns, fantasies, hopes, dreams, and anything else that comes up. My point is that marriage, in it self can become stale or vanilla. Plain and nothing changes. You stop talking and take things for granted. Not until you start to honestly talk about everything that you start to realize what you have been missing. It is one the revelations that happens when you open up. It took both my wife and me by surprise on how much we stop talking. We took for granted each other on multiple levels. Opening up made our relationship stronger and also made us more aware of each other. Hard to believe, but it is one thing that has been confirmed to us by numerous couples that have opened up.
So how do you stay on the swing? Simply is talk, take a step, talk more, and repeat. No rushing into this. This is not something to save your marriage, but to strengthen it. If you are using this to save your marriage, then talk extensively before you do anything and really go at a turtles pace. I am no counsellor but I stress to take it slow if your marriage is not on solid ground. This lifestyle will cause earthquakes at times and if you are not solid it could cause more problems than solving any.
The next thing is to set boundaries, rules, limitations, whatever you want to call them. Make them fit BOTH of your ideals and make sure you are both comfortable with them. Honesty is key here. If you are not honest with yourself and your partner this will cause issues. Once you have these in place don’t waver from them. They are there to protect you. As well as the other couple or fwb that you encounter. And never, ever change your rules based on the other couples suggestion. No one in the lifestyle asks another couple to change their rules. That is disrespectful and in no way should another couple compromise what rules you have in place. Now keep in mind, that like everything, rules can be modified.
Just don’t think about changing the rules on the fly. What I mean by this, if you have a rule of soft swap only, you should stick to this. Maybe you go to a meet and greet party, and you have no plans on doing anything. Things happen and you meet a couple you are attracted to and you go off alone into another room. You have not broken your couple rules, but you might go past the boundaries you set for the party. There is a difference. Keep in mind that you can stop at any time and talk if you have too. NO couple will stop you from doing this. If they do they don’t respect you, pack up and leave. As you can see from the simple example, rules are there to protect the both of you. As long as you conform to them you will be fine.
Please don’t think I am any type of expert. I am laying out what we have learned in the almost three years of being in the lifestyle. We have dabbled in numerous areas and this has allowed us to get a few skid marks along the way. It has made us stronger from our highs and lows. Interacting with other like minded couples has allowed us to gain knowledge. Meet and greets in your local area are great to know like minded couple and you would be surprised on what you can learn.
I hope this helps those that are new and looking for some starting point. We all started in this lifestyle and we all came into it in different ways. As long as you having fun and being safe than enjoy. Don’t take anything for granted and make sure to hold to true to yourself and as a couple.