Open relationship is very different then swinging. Primarily open relationships is usually alone play and swinging is a group. The differences in emotions along with the experience can make it difficult for some couples. For our relationship we started a bit backwards. We explored the open relationship and then transitioned to swinging based on circumstance.
I haven’t had to explain my situation of late. When I do the hardest part for people to understand is why? My girlfriend wrote Why Poly? Why Not? recently regarding this and I would like to expand on it a bit too. Well more add my two cents about my thoughts and experiences.
This past weekend we had the yearly birthday party for my buddy. We have known each other since grade school and each year we hang out and party. This year was a bit different since he is bring his wife to join in on the fun. I have known her for just about as long. The issue is that they both know about the lifestyle but really haven’t accepted it.
Actually my buddy was told first and then told his wife, after being told not to tell her. We decide who should be informed based on what we know about them. This didn’t sit well with me but since it was already done there wasn’t much I can do. What really put the nail in the coffin was him seeing me hook up a year ago at his last birthday party. That was where he actually realized it wasn’t words only, but that I was actually able to go and fuck someone else beside my wife. It is one thing to be saying that we do it, but whole different when you actually see it happen. And no he didn’t see me fuck, the windows were fogged up in the car and it was dark out. Since then he shown that he is not as open minded as we thought.
He kept reminding me that his wife is sensitive and to behave. Not like I just whip my clothes off and fuck when women walk into the room. Something that vanilla people seem to have a hard time in understanding. They assume all we do is fuck. Don’t get me wrong there are some in the lifestyle that do, but the majority that we know do not do that. We are friends first. IF we happen to fall into bed great but not like it is mandatory.
We also had my poly wife and her daughter here too. I flirted a bit with her daughter, like I normally do, but she can handle it. Another couple in the lifestyle came over. We also had another vanilla friend show up with his kids. Nothing was done in front of anyone, heck even the flirting was a bit tame this evening.
The night was a blast. Everyone got along very well and after playing cards against humanity I noticed that my buddy is still not as open as he thinks he is. It is funny how playing a game with some words that might make you giggle makes him uncomfortable. We discussed earlier that he was not comfortable watching sense8 either. There is a few gay scenes in there that he stated he fast forward through. Not saying I enjoy watching gay men porn, but the story had this embedded into it, and for myself it made me a bit uncomfortable too but I still watched the show as it was meant to be.
I will say the funniest part of the whole weekend was his “fragile” wife. She was flirting with me the whole weekend. I didn’t return any of it since it wouldn’t have gone over well with him but it was funny that she was the one that would have a hard time and she was the one that was enjoying herself more. He was the one that was a little uptight. Actually my poly wives talked with her for a bit outside about some of the simple topics and she was completely understanding and in agreement. I guess I know where the issue is more then I thought.
It was a great weekend. Everyone had a lot of fun and no drama was created. Mixing the vanilla and the lifestyle can work out to be a lot of fun, you just have to understand who is there. Everyone understood was informed so we kept everything vanilla. Even the vanilla boob cake was a hit. I am hoping that his wife comes down again next year, since maybe we can get him to open up a bit more and not be so uptight as he is. Of course that is Southey year away so I have time to prepare him for it.
The number of girls that I have dated and seen over the past few years is not that many. Well at least not on the fwb side of things. One reason why I enjoy meeting new women is getting to know someone. Each one is exciting and the NRE is like a drug. Even after it dissipates, the woman I have connection with is still there. Sure I could just have a one night stand, but doesn’t mean that I would or could. It would be hot, but it doesn’t offer the same experience since it is the connection that I enjoy more now. Don’t get me wrong either, I wouldn’t turn it down if it did presented itself.
What does concern me is the connection and the level that is between the woman and me. I have only a very few that I have strong feelings for. When we first opened up we had a rule in place relating to love. If the other person(s) become to a level of love then we would have to discuss and see how that relationship would proceed. This rule hasn’t really changed, outside of the fact that we have a poly relationship along with my wife and myself having another bf and gf. Complicated isn’t it? Not to mention the other friends we have both couples and singles. All with different level of feelings and emotions connecting each other. I worry when these emotions become stronger then how I feel. Concern that maybe things are not at the same place and I really don’t want any drama or someone hurt because of it.
When a woman starts to have stronger feelings for me than I do for them, I start to be a bit more wary. I have been in the situation a few times when I was single and it was awkward. Not saying that it is happening now, but it is something that I am very cautious of. I do not want to have something progress to a point that I can’t reciprocate. It is not that I don’t care for them, each one I have feelings for. I do worry that if one side is not on the same page, then we end up with a possible situation. This is where I worry about feelings getting hurt. Drama is not something that I want or look for. This is one of the situations that I am trying to ensure doesn’t happen. It is a hard balance.
Recently talking to another friend of mine and she keeps asking about the lifestyle. She is trying to understand the dynamics and how it all works. The questions she has constantly brought up is jealousy and love. How do you not fall into love or not get jealous? What happens if you do? It is two very important questions that I have been asked not by her only but by others as well when they hear about our lifestyle. It is also one the hardest ones to explain since it is not something tangible. It is emotions which you can’t see or touch but only feel. And not everyone would feel the same so this is where it gets hard to try to separate things. This is also where I will draw the line if the feelings are not mutual.
I have different levels of attention and affection with the women in my life. To be fair, I care for them all, but some I have stronger connection than others. This doesn’t mean that any other less or more, I work to keep everyone equal. What becomes an issue is when feelings become stronger on one side then what I am feeling towards them. I don’t get defensive but I do start to pull away. It has become instinctive sometimes, and I don’t even realized I am doing it. Krystalla notices it more and points it out when she is concerned. Separating from that person and make sure that I don’t go down that rabbit hole that I might not be able to get out of. Not wanting any drama and emotions is one of the major factors for creating this separation.
What is worse is that I worry if I don’t speak up that things could escalate. As much as I am open in all things, sometimes trying to tell someone that you are not at the same level can get awkward. Worse, I don’t see the women often so not something that can really be done over text. So much like everything with the women in my life timing is a factor. This is what will happen if things progres to a point that I am not comfortable with. Doesn’t mean this is happening now.
Jealously is another emotion that can be just as complicated. Not something that you can shut off. Most times it is not jealously but more envious of the situation. Much like the women that go out and have fun with another partner, including my wives, I get envious. This will never go away, and it is part of human nature. As long as you can identify why you are getting jealous, that will allow you to understand how to work through it. Like I said earlier, most time is not really jealously but envious that you are not in the same situation. I have no issues with my wife having another cock buried in her. Sure I am jealous that she is getting attention, but it because she is having that opportunity. The cock being pounding in and out of her is not the issue I worry about.
I also feel guilty when I go out and have fun and my wife is sitting home alone. Both of these feelings can be worked though as long as you identify why you are feeling that way. That is the key to understanding why so you can deal with it. Lately I haven’t had the issue since I have meet all play partners. This makes the experience easier since it is not some stranger that we only know their name. Respect from all parties is important. We are all adults here, and if we actually behave like one then most times emotional issues are reduced.
There is also the attention that I give to the fwb, wives and new opportunities. No new blood on the horizon, but there are a couple of women that I would hope to consider some type of relationship. As I mentioned below I work to create equality between all of my friends. Obviously if there is someone new my attention is more focused on that one lady, but I still ensure that the other ones are not forgotten. There has been times that I am talking to five women at once, and as much as I might curse it with my wife laughing at me, I enjoy it. The added fact is that with anyone new you get the new relationship energy (NRE) flowing and it is such a high. Addictive is another way of thinking about it. You seem to always think about the person and you can’t wait to talk to them again. Something that does wane off over time. Even though I might be on this drug doesn’t mean that everyone else disappears. It is a fine balance, one that I am fairly good at majority of the time. If not the wives will usually remind me with a good smack up side of the head.
Not everyone is equal but I try to balance everyone as best I can. Like most of my friends we can’t drop everything and just do something. Responsibility is one thing that holds myself, along with the majority of my partners including my wife, back most of the time. We have a few more years until we have some more freedom but till then we will work through the challenges that we face. For myself I don’t see any new blood for a while, since the effort it takes is extremely high and introducing another woman to my world takes a lot of effort. Not that I don’t want to do that, but I also don’t want to set expectations that can’t be met. If the woman knows my background, lifestyle and relationships they can decide if they want to pursue. I love the chase but not going to pressure or ask the woman out if there is no way it would work with our busy lives.
The other side of the coin is that the current relationships that I have are going very well. Timing has been a factor, and the past few weeks I have been stressing at work over a promotion so my head really hasn’t been on the dating scene as much. Heck even sex has dropped of some since I am just not in the mood. Hopefully this clears soon so that I can be back to my normal chatty self. We have busy lives, and the relationships that we have are important to us all. Making sure feelings and emotions do not get to out of control is an important factor along with seeing them when we can. July is going to be a very busy month with the schedule we have and I hope that we have time for everyone.
Emotions are not tangible. Can not be seen. Dealing with them is difficult, more so if they are not discussed. Luckily everyone I am involved with really try not to hide the emotions. It can be a lot of work but the reward is so worth it in the end.
Well after a year I have learned a lot about myself. More from writing and reflecting on myself. Along with discussions with like minded people I think I know more about what I am like. And finding out what I don’t want to become again. Continue reading One year – how things have changed
One thing that I have found interesting is the amount of relationships that you can build in the lifestyle. The interaction and how everyone knows each other fascinates me. This also means that there are potentially more risk. Open communication is so important, more so with multiple partners.
Recently had my tests done for STD and came back negative. I was not to worried about it. Want to find an easier way to do this since I don’t want to have to book my appointment with my doctor each time. This also brings up another point that has been on my mind all weekend. Exposing the group to a potential risk. Not something that I want to happen, but with this lifestyle there is bound to be a question about it.
Let me step back and qualify something. Last year a member of our quad had found a fwb. Unfortunately an issue came up with STD and because of the risk to the quad it was tabled for all of us to discuss. It was a pretty short conversation, and it didn’t take long for the option to continue was rejected due to the risk. It was not something that was easy to discuss and I knew it would be something that will come up again.
Our quad has also gotten more social of late. Well not us but our other couple, going to regular hangouts with like-minded people. This has allowed them to meet and get to know others in the lifestyle. I am a little envious with the options, for one that they have a decent group of like-minded friends that regularly hangout and do activities. We don’t really have that were we are, at least not to the degree it seems. Most likely we will try to get out for one meet up just to get a basis of the people in our area.
Anyways I am getting side tracked. We actually got to meet their friends one evening for a party. Lot of fun that evening and I can understand why they got along with this group. Friendly and respectful, everyone seem to just get along so easily, it was a great evening of laughs. Also let me meet another lady who has me curious, and by chance she was going to near by for business a month later. She asked me if I was free and if I wanted to go out, which I jumped at the chance. Sex was not on the table, but it was still be a good time in just hanging out.
We texted on and off up to the day of the date. Discussing her relationships issues and other facts about both of ourselves. By the time the date rolled around I had a fairly good understanding of who she was. At least until dinner that evening. She opened up more, and I was probably wide-eyed at the information that she provided to me. Needless to say I had a great time at dinner. The stories we shared about past experiences along with likes had me curious. After we got back to her hotel, which we couldn’t stay in her room for a number of reasons, we just wandered the property talking. This is where the awkward conversation came up, the one where STD is brought up.
The reason I say awkward is very important. First it was cute how she was fumbling around trying to get this issue brought up. Secondly, the only reason most people are awkward about something that could affect them along with the person they are talking to is because she has interests. I already had some idea of this talking to the quad, but this was the first clear sign that she was interested in me. This is what made my mind go into overdrive as she attempted to explain the situation. It is not overly complicated, the risk is still a risk and needed to be brought up. She also was aware of the situation that was brought up before since she is also friends with that lady. Like I implied earlier, small circle of friends.
We didn’t do anything that evening, as much as I really wanted too. Someone how my cock was rock hard just hugging her. Which reminds me I still have to get her back for that. Anyways, this brought up the need to have another talk with the quad. Krystalla stated that this is a different situation and as much as she tried to make me believe that, I knew that it wasn’t. After the last meeting it was pretty clear to the woman on what needed to be done. I didn’t think it was going to be that complicated this time either.
The discussion was pretty quick. Honestly, it was mostly the woman talking. Both of us men were quiet, knowing the outcome regardless of this formal talk over Skype. I basically did a “I told you so” at the end and basically vented to myself as I was outside having a brain break. I think my main concern is not the STD, the risks to the quad, or even to the my other fwb, but that it feels that we shunned this person because of the potential exposure she could have. Think that is my biggest issue. Feeling that we isolate them because of the risk. Sure we hang out, party and flirt, but the physical part is off-limits due to the risk.
The last thing that was going through my mind was my fwb. The risk and exposure are something that I can’t share with them, and to be honest I hope that they have the same respect for me if they are also finding something like this out. One of my former fwb had a scare after we first met. Timeline I was not affected, but it was something that made me realize that the risk does exist. You see I went bareback before I was married. I rarely used condoms. Really wasn’t the most innocent back then. Then again I am not really that innocent right now.
So after all this writing, and telling everyone about this situation, what is the point to this blog post? Simple, get tested on regular basis if you are in the lifestyle. Always make sure you are upfront with any potential play partner about your current status of STD. There is nothing to be embarrassed about asking if someone has been tested. For the sake of everyone that you are involved with, especially your primary partner, make sure to understand if there any risks. Not like when I was younger and didn’t care, I am now dating for two. Well, four if you really want to get technical. Either way the risk I take is also risk for everyone in the quad and not something that I want to risk. The conversation that we have had now on STD has started other discussions regarding STD. This topic will never go away and that is good. It makes sure that we are aware and thinking about that when playing with anyone new, if it happens in the future.
I swear the birthdays just don’t seem to end. Since March it seems someone always has a birth around the corner. This time it is Lexxi’s turn and Bob had made arrangements for some of their friends to come over to celebrate it.
Krystalla informed me that they were friends they have met through different meet ups in local area. I have heard about them during our chats about the meet ups and what they experienced at them. I was a little excited. Well more than a little. Meeting like mind people in the lifestyle is a lot of fun. Plus you get to hear about other experiences. Continue reading Birthday and new friends
I would like to thank one of my followers for this suggestion from my contact page. It is a point that I have touched on a few times over the year but really never dwell on it to much. Communication is very important as I mentioned numerous times, but setting expectations is something that also is equally important. Without setting expectations things can get out of control, or worse drama can ensue that could cause complications or problems after the fact.
For past few weeks I have had the good fortune of seeing a few of my fwb. Timing has actually worked out, although it seems like when it rains it pours. This week especially has been busy. The sex has been great as well, but there has been one common factor of late that I am now realizing.
I don’t have any fantasies. Well I did, when we first started. One evening during the first month that we opened up so long ago we talked about it. Saying to each other what we wanted to try or thought we would try. Within the first few years I did pretty much everything that I wanted. I have been asked on and off over past year about any others and I don’t have any. I guess I am just not kinky enough.
Well maybe I am kinky, just not to the degree of exploring areas that do not interest me. I have an issue with making a woman receive pain, something that happened a long time ago which has stuck with me since. Oh I have tried it with Krystalla once on my own, and it was interesting, but I don’t really get off on it. Krystalla’s boy toys do, with both of them being Dom’s. It is something that of late has been on my mind more and more. Even Lilly is looking into this area and it is something that I am confronted with. What would I do?
Lilly let me into her private life a bit more after Cuba, providing me access to her journal. The week I was gone she had a lot of stuff happen so she let me read what she experienced. Yesterday at work I went and looked again and saw a few more entries, one being with a Dom she met and is starting to pursue. She likes the idea of being a sub, or more like bottom. Have to say thinking back she does respond well to it although I am not the same level as a Dom.
What I did realize, from her writing, she outlined the experience from her point of view since she is learning. Even after my wife and poly wife have tried to explain it was her writing that made everything click. I now have a good understanding on what they experience along with how it is performed. I have seen it done, by a few different men and even watching it didn’t help me understand it. It was erotic seeing my wife on the cross and being worked over by them, but it still didn’t make me want to do it. Even asked to help out and I declined. I still don’t want to, at least not to the degree that her bf and poly husband perform it, but it has opened my eyes on what they are looking for.
Ironic that my gf so far away has opened up my mind to something that has been explained and discussed for over two years and it didn’t click. Now that it has I still don’t think it would be something that I would pursue. Well not to the degree that would be what they are craving. My tastes are different and they understand that too. They get both worlds where one can be physical but in different styles. Of course, anything is possible. Little bit of alcohol and the right playful mood and who knows, although that is also dangerous since I really don’t listen that well either.
One thing that I never do is what is asked of me. If they want something specific I withhold longer. It is my way of controlling the woman. Just because you want my tongue on your pussy, or the fingers inserted doesn’t mean you are going to get it. Krystalla has asked a few times for fingers of late and I refuse. Why? She wants it. She craves it, and with me not giving that to her it makes her want it more. When I was younger and I did this the woman would almost go wild. Being older the reaction is a bit different but it can have the similar effect. Not getting what you want, for me at least, can be more powerful. Almost drives me crazy, and I would do things I don’t normally do. Much like the woman I know, they seem to have the same reaction.
Controlling the situation is something that I enjoy and also do instinctively. Sure I have had times where I didn’t have control and it was hot. It is not common but it has happened. When I am controlling it is done without me knowing. I have been told I am a verbal Dom, but I also am a physical Dom too in the same sense. As much as it has been explained to me, I do still feel a bit lost since everyone seems to be moving forward with something. Myself, I am still the same guy who loves to make woman cum on my terms.
This doesn’t mean the book is closed on it. More that I am still trying to find my footing. Understanding what is bugging me is very important in me processing. My drive is different, and my woman know it. They also appreciate what I offer and for that I am grateful. Not being able to do a specific area doesn’t mean I am useless although at times it does have that feeling. It is understanding why I feel that way and working through it. That and also making the woman cum a few times usually takes the edge off as well.