Little lost

There is always a cycle of ups and downs in our lives.  I am going through an extended downward spiral.  Not by choice but by circumstance.

Maybe because I am burying my grandfather this weekend.  Maybe cause I have had majority of my fwb go off the market.  Maybe since I haven’t meet anyone new in months.  Add on family and work and it seems to have hit critical mass.  Continue reading Little lost

Re-Union with Lilly

Funny how distance can make relationships feel like a new experience after many months.  Lily planned to visit with her kids for a Canadian vacation for our second meet up of the year.   Knowing that it will be a challenge to have her alone to spend time together since all our kids will be home.  Normally for any event, I don’t think about it to much.   Have had many disappointments in the past so I try to stay in check up to the day of the event.  But my excitement got higher with each day passing. Continue reading Re-Union with Lilly

It was a dark and snowy night

The lights shiny brightly as the bus pulled into the terminal.  Glancing around I see that I am the only one heading towards it.  Doors open with the familiar swoosh sound and I head up the stairs to board the bus.  It is dark, being it is night time there are no running lights inside.  I glance down the isle to head to my seat and notice a woman sitting near the middle.  She glanced up briefly as I moved down the isle and then back down at her phone.  I maneuvered myself with my bags into a seat just ahead of her’s and settle in for the long ride. Continue reading It was a dark and snowy night

Introductions to my wife

Over the years that we have been in the lifestyle (has it been for years already?) I have made a lot of new friends.  Most of these women have met my wife.  As well I have met majority of their spouses.  I don’t think anything of it when introducing my new friends/lovers to my wife.  Something that we have learned is having Krystalla know them in person.  Helps when I am out with them on a date. Continue reading Introductions to my wife

Feelings – when is it to much

The number of girls that I have dated and seen over the past few years is not that many.  Well at least not on the fwb side of things.  One reason why I enjoy meeting new women is getting to know someone.  Each one is exciting and the NRE is like a drug.  Even after it dissipates, the woman I have connection with is still there.  Sure I could just have a one night stand, but doesn’t mean that I would or could.  It would be hot, but it doesn’t offer the same experience since it is the connection that I enjoy more now.  Don’t get me wrong either, I wouldn’t turn it down if it did presented itself.

What does concern me is the connection and the level that is between the woman and me.  I have only a very few that I have strong feelings for.  When we first opened up we had a rule in place relating to love.  If the other person(s) become to a level of love then we would have to discuss and see how that relationship would proceed.  This rule hasn’t really changed, outside of the fact that we have a poly relationship along with my wife and myself having another bf and gf.  Complicated isn’t it?  Not to mention the other friends we have both couples and singles.  All with different level of feelings and emotions connecting each other.  I worry when these emotions become stronger then how I feel.  Concern that maybe things are not at the same place and I really don’t want any drama or someone hurt because of it.

When a woman starts to have stronger feelings for me than I do for them, I start to be a bit more wary.  I have been in the situation a few times when I was single and it was awkward.  Not saying that it is happening now, but it is something that I am very cautious of.  I do not want to have something progress to a point that I can’t reciprocate.  It is not that I don’t care for them, each one I have feelings for.  I do worry that if one side is not on the same page, then we end up with a possible situation.  This is where I worry about feelings getting hurt.  Drama is not something that I want or look for.  This is one of the situations that I am trying to ensure doesn’t happen.  It is a hard balance.

Recently talking to another friend of mine and she keeps asking about the lifestyle.  She is trying to understand the dynamics and how it all works.  The questions she has constantly brought up is jealousy and love.  How do you not fall into love or not get jealous?  What happens if you do?  It is two very important questions that I have been asked not by her only but by others as well when they hear about our lifestyle.  It is also one the hardest ones to explain since it is not something tangible.  It is emotions which you can’t see or touch but only feel.  And not everyone would feel the same so this is where it gets hard to try to separate things.  This is also where I will draw the line if the feelings are not mutual.

I have different levels of attention and affection with the women in my life.  To be fair, I care for them all, but some I have stronger connection than others.  This doesn’t mean that any other less or more, I work to keep everyone equal.  What becomes an issue is when feelings become stronger on one side then what I am feeling towards them.  I don’t get defensive but I do start to pull away.  It has become instinctive sometimes, and I don’t even realized I am doing it.  Krystalla notices it more and points it out when she is concerned.  Separating from that person and make sure that I don’t go down that rabbit hole that I might not be able to get out of.  Not wanting any drama and emotions is one of the major factors for creating this separation.

What is worse is that I worry if I don’t speak up that things could escalate.  As much as I am open in all things, sometimes trying to tell someone that you are not at the same level can get awkward.  Worse, I don’t see the women often so not something that can really be done over text.  So much like everything with the women in my life timing is a factor.  This is what will happen if things progres to a point that I am not comfortable with. Doesn’t mean this is happening now.

Jealously is another emotion that can be just as complicated.  Not something that you can shut off.  Most times it is not jealously but more envious of the situation.  Much like the women that go out and have fun with another partner, including my wives, I get envious.  This will never go away, and it is part of human nature.  As long as you can identify why you are getting jealous, that will allow you to understand how to work through it.  Like I said earlier, most time is not really jealously but envious that you are not in the same situation.  I have no issues with my wife having another cock buried in her.  Sure I am jealous that she is getting attention, but it because she is having that opportunity.  The cock being pounding in and out of her is not the issue I worry about.

I also feel guilty when I go out and have fun and my wife is sitting home alone.  Both of these feelings can be worked though as long as you identify why you are feeling that way.  That is the key to understanding why so you can deal with it.  Lately I haven’t had the issue since I have meet all play partners.  This makes the experience easier since it is not some stranger that we only know their name.  Respect from all parties is important.  We are all adults here, and if we actually behave like one then most times emotional issues are reduced.

There is also the attention that I give to the fwb, wives and new opportunities.  No new blood on the horizon, but there are a couple of women that I would hope to consider some type of relationship.  As I mentioned below I work to create equality between all of my friends.  Obviously if there is someone new my attention is more focused on that one lady, but I still ensure that the other ones are not forgotten.  There has been times that I am talking to five women at once, and as much as I might curse it with my wife laughing at me, I enjoy it.  The added fact is that with anyone new you get the new relationship energy (NRE) flowing and it is such a high.  Addictive is another way of thinking about it.  You seem to always think about the person and you can’t wait to talk to them again.  Something that does wane off over time.  Even though I might be on this drug doesn’t mean that everyone else disappears.  It is a fine balance, one that I am fairly good at majority of the time.  If not the wives will usually remind me with a good smack up side of the head.

Not everyone is equal but I try to balance everyone as best I can.  Like most of my friends we can’t drop everything and just do something.  Responsibility is one thing that holds myself, along with the majority of my partners including my wife, back most of the time.  We have a few more years until we have some more freedom but till then we will work through the challenges that we face.  For myself I don’t see any new blood for a while, since the effort it takes is extremely high and introducing another woman to my world takes a lot of effort.  Not that I don’t want to do that, but I also don’t want to set expectations that can’t be met.  If the woman knows my background, lifestyle and relationships they can decide if they want to pursue.  I love the chase but not going to pressure or ask the woman out if there is no way it would work with our busy lives.

The other side of the coin is that the current relationships that I have are going very well.  Timing has been a factor, and the past few weeks I have been stressing at work over a promotion so my head really hasn’t been on the dating scene as much.  Heck even sex has dropped of some since I am just not in the mood.  Hopefully this clears soon so that I can be back to my normal chatty self.  We have busy lives, and the relationships that we have are important to us all.  Making sure feelings and emotions do not get to out of control is an important factor along with seeing them when we can.  July is going to be a very busy month with the schedule we have and I hope that we have time for everyone.

Emotions are not tangible. Can not be seen. Dealing with them is difficult, more so if they are not discussed. Luckily everyone I am involved with really try not to hide the emotions. It can be a lot of work but the reward is so worth it in the end.

One year – how things have changed

Well after a year I have learned a lot about myself. More from writing and reflecting on myself. Along with discussions with like minded people I think I know more about what I am like. And finding out what I don’t want to become again.   Continue reading One year – how things have changed

NSA

To be fair I use a lot of different terms to make a black and white statement clearer.  That is because with the lifestyle there are a lot of gray areas as well.  My previous post about Dating & FWB seems to have made a few women comment directly to me.  They had an issue with the NSA portion of it and with that I would like to address this in a separate post.  I am not defending what I am writing, more to explain the logic behind how I use the terms to define something.  Like I said there is no black and white in the lifestyle and for anyone new, using the black and white statements helps to define what I am writing about.

No strings attached (NSA) is a common term for basically a fuck buddy, or possibly a friends with benefits (FWB).  There is really no rule book for FWB either, even though everyone has this thought about what it means to them.  No rule book means that we take the principle and apply it to ourselves or situation.  With the FWB there is a friendship that also means an intimate relationship.  Doesn’t mean there aren’t feelings, or even any feelings outside of a good fuck.  I used the term NSA to imply that the status of the FWB is just that, friends that might fall into bed together.  Doesn’t mean something can’t grow from that.  Not like it is planned to happen, learnt from experience here on that, but primarily it begins that way as a simple arrangement of friends and occasional sex.

I don’t get picked up by woman.  I want to get to know the woman as well.  What I mean is that the classification of a one night stand, fuck buddy, NSA sex or whatever else you want to call it really doesn’t happen to me.  Sure I have had one night stands when I was younger, although I might have led on that it would lead to more of a relationship back then, but that was because I was young and didn’t care about feelings.  Lots of women hurt me back then so my mentality was I could do the same.  Not good, but that is how I become who I am now.  More caring and understanding of women.

And to be fair the definition of NSA used to show that an offer or opportunity carries no special conditions or restrictions is how I see most of my relationships begin.  Things can change depending on how they evolve but majority of them are based on this principle.  None of my woman I treat this way in that sense, but I do not want to become something more that I cannot provide.  Especially if the feeling are not mutual.  In no way do I want to mislead anyone regarding the situation or arrangement.  And if there is a change in the relationship it is usually discussed so that everyone is on the same page.  No surprises and being open is so important.

The beauty of the lifestyle is that the interpretation can be so different between everyone.  This is good and bad since with the amount of gray area you have to be clear on everything.  My previous post made the effort of pigeon holing the terms and definitions.  Not something that is easily done, and with the lifestyle there are so many different degrees that it can be seen from a different angle by each and every one of you.  In not way is what I wrote the “final answer” but it is something that discuss.  This post has generated more discussions between the women I know that I think it helps.  It makes them think, evaluate and then come to a decision on how it applies to them and their choices.  Without discussion we wouldn’t have come this far in the first place.  So feel free to comment and discuss, get it out in the open.  I prefer to have open talk about points then someone quietly in the corner not agreeing or seeing it a different way but not bringing it up.

There is no right or wrong in this but there can be a common ground to discuss it.  Don’t be shy, type away below in the comments.  You might be surprised on what you get back and who knows you might make things more clear on the perspective that you have chosen.

 

Dating vs FWB

Interesting question was raised during a conversation this week and it got me thinking.  Dating and Friends with benefit (FWB) are similar and also not at the same time.  Both could be considering the same with the major exception that Dating is more of a commitment.  It could have different degrees of that, compared to FWB where there really is a no strings attached (NSA) belief.

The first thing is to get a definition of both and the see how they compare.  Ironically I would think that this is going to be easy to find.  Actually it was a bit harder to do for on than the other.  So lets begin with dating which after some quick research I come up with this:  to do an activity with someone you have might have a romantic relationship.  This was a bit to vague from the dictionary so I did more searching and found this which seems to be a bit more accurate: A form of romantic courtship typically between two individuals with the aim of assessing the other’s suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The result of dating may at any time lead to friendship, any level of intimate relationship, marriage, or no relation.  So common theme is that dating is between two people who could or could not have romantic relationship.

The FWB definition is: a friend with whom one has occasional sexual relations, without commitment or dating arrangement.  This is probably the best description that I have seen.  It is states that occasional sexual relations with NSA.  The key to this is that there is no commitment, just friends that enjoy each others company that may have sex.  Nothing complicated.  Normally if feelings start to become apparent the relationship is broken off.  Either way it is way to have sex with nothing more than that.  I guess the slang to this would be fuck buddy which is a person with whom another person has a relationship based on casual sex only.  The principle is the same, no strings and just sex.  Can be stopped at any time for any reason with no feelings involved.

Primarily the difference is regard to the end goal where one is looking for commitment or long-term relationship and the other is for pleasure and nothing more.  Both can have pleasure and fun, but dating is focused on the couple and potentially if there is something more for long-term.  Granted you can date and have sex and then break up, but most times that involves drama and usually complications.  FWB go in knowing that there is no commitment.  Straight forward that sex is on the table and that there is nothing expected beyond that.  So benefits of FWB is no drama, or less likely  compared to the breakup when dating and the complications that it entails from it.

Don’t get me wrong both have some major excitement.  The relationship energy from dating is usually a high and carries on for a period of time.  It is a drug, and you can’t get enough of it being around them all the time.  This usually wears off and when it does it can make the blinders that could have been on come off.  I have dated numerous times when younger and it is exhilarating.  Even the few times that we have met new couples it is the same feeling.  This energy can be a great catalyst but it also can cause problems if you are not aware.  Things that you might have picked up early could be ignored because of the excitement which means things might not workout once the energy settles down.

FWB can have this same type of energy to a degree, although the FRIENDS FIRST is usually why it is not at the same level.  Most times the BENEFITS are not seen right away, or come up due to convenience.  And I refer to the sexual relations and not the convenience of where and when.  NSA sex is great since it gives the freedom of both partners getting the benefit without any complications.  Of course it really depends on the people involved but from my experience, and the clear understanding of NSA, it works very well.  The few relationships that I have like this that have ended have not been complicated and with some we are still good friends.  Again timing, distance, and other factors can change the relationship to where it can not be the same.  This can apply to dating as well but most cases those involved that way will try to make it work depending on what is happening.  With NSA there is no expectations or commitment.  Simple and elegant.

The other question that has been asked as well is the FWB and how you don’t get feelings.  Well for me I always have feelings.  I care for all my women that I am involved with.  The difference for me is that I already have my wife, my primary if we want to classify, and she will always come first.  The other girls I am involved with I have feelings of different levels but I do care for all of them.  Even the ones that are just friends (so far).  That is in my nature and will never change.  With FWB I fully understand that it is an arrangement of convenience.  Doesn’t mean I don’t get a little hurt when sex is off the table, but doesn’t mean I go all drama queen either.  Sex is just that, sex.  Fun.  We both get off, well the woman way more than me 99% of the time, and I have no regrets or complaints.

I won’t get into the polyamory my in this article since it is something that will take a whole lot more to explain and go through.  I do have a poly wife along with another woman who I would classify as poly.  Again something that will take a whole lot more time to explain so that will be another blog post to go over it again.

I really hope this helps qualify the differences, at least from my point of view.  There is a fine line between both but the primary difference is the no strings attached (NSA) for friends with benefits (FWB).  This allows the freedom of no commitment between the couple and with this ensures that they can have a healthy sex life with limited concerns of the relationship.  For those that want this type of relationship it is the one that has the minimum of risks.

Flashback – long time cumming

I really enjoyed this next post. The delay in getting it written was more in trying to get it right.  It was my first time with my one FWB that I have known for close to two years.  Timing it just happened to work out that I had the house to myself.  We have met for coffees over the time we have talked with some groping and kissing.  I had no idea on what to expect, which might be why this evening was so special on  how it turned out.

This is erotica so be prepared when you read it, no I don’t mean get your toys out.  Of course if you then enjoy!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  Directions to sex

Friends First

One of the hardest things to find are friends in the lifestyle.  Oh you can meet people and get along but to have that connection on all levels is unique.  Trust and honesty is also another factor.  We have been fortunate and have met two couples that we connected with.  Actually there was another couple but that is whole different story.  Although the downfall is that they are not close by.  This makes it hard to meet up, even as a group with life and work being priority.  So timing (sounds familiar) is something that seems to be hard to nail down.  Although because we are friends first we still chat on a regular basis so it helps to build the relationship even though we may not see each other in person that often. Continue reading Friends First