Subject to opinion

For those that know me please understand this is what I perceive.

So trying to find new blood.   Not a lot of options outside of dating sites.   Really hate them since in my previous rants women really seem to be picky.   With that said it also could be related to volume.  Either way it is rare for me to get a response.

I talked to one lady for about a week and a bit.  Talk is over rated.   There was no connection.  I asked a question about her experience and it went well.   Problem is that she didn’t engage.  I don’t do well on one side conversations.  No surprise that she  cut it off today.   I didn’t feel it either but still it has me wondering.   Continue reading Subject to opinion

Long ride

For some of you that know me, or follow me on Twitter I am heading back to see my other girlfriend.  It will take about 12 hours by bus to get there.  Most of you are shaking your head but let me explain.

I have been working on going back to see Lilly for a few months now.   One hold up was my passport.   Second was how to get there.   I had booked the days a while back to ensure we were both available.  It was how to get there which was the next hurdle.   This has been an eye opener to say the least.

First is that flying is fine if you have a long term plan.   Don’t every wait till last minute.  The cost went up and up from around $280 to $800.  Fucking insane.  So that basically scraped
that option. 

Train was proposed by a coworker and that sounded like a good idea.   Unfortunately the lay over in Buffalo was 10 hours so I scrubbed that one quick too.   That left driving as the only option. 

So I spent many a day researching the drive with toll roads and what options I have driving down there.  After many hours I came across a suggestion for bus.   Never occurred to me.  When I looked it up I found it was cheaper for gas then driving.  Granted I add a few hours to travel but I don’t have to stress when travelling through states and all the toll roads.  Plus I can sleep, which I suspect I will need coming home. 

So with this decided and my passport being delivered fairly quickly I booked the bus and started to work out timing.  Luckily it looks like it won’t be overly complicated using transit.  Hopefully things go smooth and weather is in my favour. 

Needles to say it has been a crazy few weeks in trying to figure this trip out.  Everyone who knows has been supportive and even offer suggestions.  With only a another day to go I will be heading down to see Lilly which is way over due. 

When planning long distance relationships rendezvous it seems planning your travel plans early is the best option.  Last minute just doesn’t work (unless you are going some place designated as vacation then it seems you can find deals).  Luckily I have found a cheap solution that can work hopefully for Lilly when she plans to visit next.

With that I will be out of contact this weekend with limited access to the Internet.  Hopefully I can post some updates and maybe pictures on Twitter.  Guess we shall see in just over 48 hrs. 

Introductions to my wife

Over the years that we have been in the lifestyle (has it been for years already?) I have made a lot of new friends.  Most of these women have met my wife.  As well I have met majority of their spouses.  I don’t think anything of it when introducing my new friends/lovers to my wife.  Something that we have learned is having Krystalla know them in person.  Helps when I am out with them on a date. Continue reading Introductions to my wife

Dutch Money

One of the biggest things for me of late is going out. With limited funds I find it hard to justify going out on a date. I can’t afford dinner, drinks or movies so coffee has been the default option.  This also compounds trying to meet new people.  Not having funds makes it hard to go out.  One thing that I hate to do is ask the woman if we are going dutch.  Old habits from when I was younger since the man was expected to pay.

Now my running joke, and still is, is that we were paying for sex.  Dinner, movie or any other activity adds up.  Not that I got laid every time I went out.  So it became very expensive.  Paying for the woman since they expect it makes it pretty hard to question since I didn’t want to insult her. Old habits are hard to break and most of the women I have met are closer to my age. Fast forward to now and I still feel that is what is expected.

You also have to understand I don’t like asking for money.  Never have been good at it.  One reason why I sucked at sales.  Regardless coffee is something that is not to bad.  Just not Second Cup, still don’t understand the cost for hot flavored water over $5. So coffee is something that I could buy just not on a regular basis.

So the question is do the ladies expect to have dinner or such bought for them?  Being older I wouldn’t think so, and with some women they also might think that something is expected.  I do not want the woman thinking I am dishing all this money out and expect something after. Although ironically some of the dates it is to see if we are compatible.  So I don’t think the woman would mind if something did happen. It is a subject that I find uncomfortable. Don’t get me wrong if I have money I always try to pay for the woman. And I don’t expect anything in return.

And I also don’t like to owe money. Another old habit from my younger days. When I was younger I always got suckered in to doing favours because of things that were done for me. So owing anyone is something I really try to avoid.  To be fair I understand that it is not expected from our close friends, but it does weigh on my mind.

So after all this rambling I leave it to anyone who reads this post. What is your thoughts on going Dutch? Do you pay for the woman? As a woman do you expect to get everything paid for? And if you do is there any feeling that you owe something back?

Feel free to post in comments. Or contact me directly if you are to shy and I will post on behalf.

NSA

To be fair I use a lot of different terms to make a black and white statement clearer.  That is because with the lifestyle there are a lot of gray areas as well.  My previous post about Dating & FWB seems to have made a few women comment directly to me.  They had an issue with the NSA portion of it and with that I would like to address this in a separate post.  I am not defending what I am writing, more to explain the logic behind how I use the terms to define something.  Like I said there is no black and white in the lifestyle and for anyone new, using the black and white statements helps to define what I am writing about.

No strings attached (NSA) is a common term for basically a fuck buddy, or possibly a friends with benefits (FWB).  There is really no rule book for FWB either, even though everyone has this thought about what it means to them.  No rule book means that we take the principle and apply it to ourselves or situation.  With the FWB there is a friendship that also means an intimate relationship.  Doesn’t mean there aren’t feelings, or even any feelings outside of a good fuck.  I used the term NSA to imply that the status of the FWB is just that, friends that might fall into bed together.  Doesn’t mean something can’t grow from that.  Not like it is planned to happen, learnt from experience here on that, but primarily it begins that way as a simple arrangement of friends and occasional sex.

I don’t get picked up by woman.  I want to get to know the woman as well.  What I mean is that the classification of a one night stand, fuck buddy, NSA sex or whatever else you want to call it really doesn’t happen to me.  Sure I have had one night stands when I was younger, although I might have led on that it would lead to more of a relationship back then, but that was because I was young and didn’t care about feelings.  Lots of women hurt me back then so my mentality was I could do the same.  Not good, but that is how I become who I am now.  More caring and understanding of women.

And to be fair the definition of NSA used to show that an offer or opportunity carries no special conditions or restrictions is how I see most of my relationships begin.  Things can change depending on how they evolve but majority of them are based on this principle.  None of my woman I treat this way in that sense, but I do not want to become something more that I cannot provide.  Especially if the feeling are not mutual.  In no way do I want to mislead anyone regarding the situation or arrangement.  And if there is a change in the relationship it is usually discussed so that everyone is on the same page.  No surprises and being open is so important.

The beauty of the lifestyle is that the interpretation can be so different between everyone.  This is good and bad since with the amount of gray area you have to be clear on everything.  My previous post made the effort of pigeon holing the terms and definitions.  Not something that is easily done, and with the lifestyle there are so many different degrees that it can be seen from a different angle by each and every one of you.  In not way is what I wrote the “final answer” but it is something that discuss.  This post has generated more discussions between the women I know that I think it helps.  It makes them think, evaluate and then come to a decision on how it applies to them and their choices.  Without discussion we wouldn’t have come this far in the first place.  So feel free to comment and discuss, get it out in the open.  I prefer to have open talk about points then someone quietly in the corner not agreeing or seeing it a different way but not bringing it up.

There is no right or wrong in this but there can be a common ground to discuss it.  Don’t be shy, type away below in the comments.  You might be surprised on what you get back and who knows you might make things more clear on the perspective that you have chosen.

 

Dating vs FWB

Interesting question was raised during a conversation this week and it got me thinking.  Dating and Friends with benefit (FWB) are similar and also not at the same time.  Both could be considering the same with the major exception that Dating is more of a commitment.  It could have different degrees of that, compared to FWB where there really is a no strings attached (NSA) belief.

The first thing is to get a definition of both and the see how they compare.  Ironically I would think that this is going to be easy to find.  Actually it was a bit harder to do for on than the other.  So lets begin with dating which after some quick research I come up with this:  to do an activity with someone you have might have a romantic relationship.  This was a bit to vague from the dictionary so I did more searching and found this which seems to be a bit more accurate: A form of romantic courtship typically between two individuals with the aim of assessing the other’s suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The result of dating may at any time lead to friendship, any level of intimate relationship, marriage, or no relation.  So common theme is that dating is between two people who could or could not have romantic relationship.

The FWB definition is: a friend with whom one has occasional sexual relations, without commitment or dating arrangement.  This is probably the best description that I have seen.  It is states that occasional sexual relations with NSA.  The key to this is that there is no commitment, just friends that enjoy each others company that may have sex.  Nothing complicated.  Normally if feelings start to become apparent the relationship is broken off.  Either way it is way to have sex with nothing more than that.  I guess the slang to this would be fuck buddy which is a person with whom another person has a relationship based on casual sex only.  The principle is the same, no strings and just sex.  Can be stopped at any time for any reason with no feelings involved.

Primarily the difference is regard to the end goal where one is looking for commitment or long-term relationship and the other is for pleasure and nothing more.  Both can have pleasure and fun, but dating is focused on the couple and potentially if there is something more for long-term.  Granted you can date and have sex and then break up, but most times that involves drama and usually complications.  FWB go in knowing that there is no commitment.  Straight forward that sex is on the table and that there is nothing expected beyond that.  So benefits of FWB is no drama, or less likely  compared to the breakup when dating and the complications that it entails from it.

Don’t get me wrong both have some major excitement.  The relationship energy from dating is usually a high and carries on for a period of time.  It is a drug, and you can’t get enough of it being around them all the time.  This usually wears off and when it does it can make the blinders that could have been on come off.  I have dated numerous times when younger and it is exhilarating.  Even the few times that we have met new couples it is the same feeling.  This energy can be a great catalyst but it also can cause problems if you are not aware.  Things that you might have picked up early could be ignored because of the excitement which means things might not workout once the energy settles down.

FWB can have this same type of energy to a degree, although the FRIENDS FIRST is usually why it is not at the same level.  Most times the BENEFITS are not seen right away, or come up due to convenience.  And I refer to the sexual relations and not the convenience of where and when.  NSA sex is great since it gives the freedom of both partners getting the benefit without any complications.  Of course it really depends on the people involved but from my experience, and the clear understanding of NSA, it works very well.  The few relationships that I have like this that have ended have not been complicated and with some we are still good friends.  Again timing, distance, and other factors can change the relationship to where it can not be the same.  This can apply to dating as well but most cases those involved that way will try to make it work depending on what is happening.  With NSA there is no expectations or commitment.  Simple and elegant.

The other question that has been asked as well is the FWB and how you don’t get feelings.  Well for me I always have feelings.  I care for all my women that I am involved with.  The difference for me is that I already have my wife, my primary if we want to classify, and she will always come first.  The other girls I am involved with I have feelings of different levels but I do care for all of them.  Even the ones that are just friends (so far).  That is in my nature and will never change.  With FWB I fully understand that it is an arrangement of convenience.  Doesn’t mean I don’t get a little hurt when sex is off the table, but doesn’t mean I go all drama queen either.  Sex is just that, sex.  Fun.  We both get off, well the woman way more than me 99% of the time, and I have no regrets or complaints.

I won’t get into the polyamory my in this article since it is something that will take a whole lot more to explain and go through.  I do have a poly wife along with another woman who I would classify as poly.  Again something that will take a whole lot more time to explain so that will be another blog post to go over it again.

I really hope this helps qualify the differences, at least from my point of view.  There is a fine line between both but the primary difference is the no strings attached (NSA) for friends with benefits (FWB).  This allows the freedom of no commitment between the couple and with this ensures that they can have a healthy sex life with limited concerns of the relationship.  For those that want this type of relationship it is the one that has the minimum of risks.

Timing is everthing

Working out of Toronto is a pain. My routine for morning and evening is way out of whack. No free time is what I am experiencing and it has been along time since I have dealt with it.  Add on the social aspect and it is compounded. I normally talk all the time but driving over three hours as day has made me appear invisible. Plus work is busy so I can’t just chat throughout he day.  It is an adjustment that I am working through.

Since I have been back from Cuba I have seen one of my fwb.  Actually, it was my first date so to speak.  I normally go out for coffee or hang out at coffee shop but this one was an actual date.  Out for dinner and then finding something to do.  It was a lot of fun, and I hope to do it again sometime.  Also got to skype with Lilly for a bit on Sunday.  It is always nice to see her again although we talk regular enough.  Didn’t realize how good skype can be to help connecting with someone so far away.  We did that with Lexxi and Bob off and on over the first year we dated.  It helped with the distance, allowed us to connect at least with voice and face instead of just words on a phone.  I don’t do this with just anyone either, kind of shy on video chat.

So the second week is here after returning from Cuba.  I am driving to Toronto for work and now I have multiple dates lined up this week.  Weird how things seem to change so quickly.  Granted these are coffee dates, but I get to see my fwb who I have haven’t seen in a while.  I think Krystalla was giggling to herself when I kept adding dates.  She loves it when I get all giddy like.  Even Lexxi got a kick out of it when she saw me like this the one weekend we were together.

Guess it comes down to timing.  Much like everything else in life we really don’t slow down.  I keep getting told by a few of my fwb that I am “too busy”.  I keep saying that I am not but perception sure seems like it.  We have become more social, and with a larger group of friends we seem to be constantly hooking up for drinks and chatting.  Something that we really haven’t had since a long time ago in our old house when we connected with our neighbours.  We were inseparable during the time we lived there, either at their place or ours.  Our kids got along great and it was something that we both looked forward to after a long week at work.

There comes a point when you have to slow down and take stock.  Make time for things that you want to do.  My youngest just had another birthday and I realized that time is going by way to fast.  Not wanting to miss anything I am starting to realize that as you get older time seems to speed up.  More because we are so involved in our lives.  Work, family and friends seem to keep us busy and there really needs time to take a break and appreciate it all.

Cuba was like that, as much as I missed a few days, we were able to decompress and slow down.  Oh we drank a lot, and with me isolated for two days I had lots of time to think.  It allowed us to ground ourselves again, slow down the pace, and enjoy ourselves as much as our friends.  I don’t foresee going on vacations like that every year, we just don’t have the luxory, but it is something that I need to replicate once a year.  Maybe not all you can drink, but time to decompress and take a break.

I miss all my fwb, some who I haven’t seen in months or even longer.  Timing in seeing them has always been a challenge.  Patience and timing is what I have come to rely on and this coming week it seems that I will be overly busy.  Although Krystalla will be a little off since her bf seems to be overly busy this month so she will be seeing him a little less than normal.  Timing.  Really does suck.  Even for our quad we are booking now three or four months out so that we can ensure we have time to met each other.

And then there is Lilly, who I hope to see sooner than later.  The distance and timing, plus finding some cash to afford to go, is another thing.  Also means we have to schedule it so she is available and not working.  She is busy too, so timing on both of our parts will be important so we can enjoy our time together.  My calendar is going to be getting pretty full from all the friends we have, I just hope we can accommodate everyone.  That has been my biggest fear of late.

All nice guys…

I am too nice.  Simple statement that seems to have followed me my whole life.  You see when I was younger I always wanted to help.  Giving rides or helping friends out usually got me friends, but didn’t help me get laid.  Why?  I was used, cute girl giving you that simple smile or making friendship with you only to use you for what you can offer.  And it wasn’t sex.   Continue reading All nice guys…

NYE and the cumming year

Another year has come and past.  The highs and lows of the past year has been extreme, with many changes to everyone that I have been involved with.  Medical, family, personal and just about any other issue has been felt by all.  If you told me three years ago that I would be leading a double life in that I have a poly wife, a couple of fwb that I see once a quarter if I am lucky, and how my wife has opened up to the BDSM side of things I would have said “You are full of shit!”

I really have not expected how things have evolved this year.  Our quad has started to balance out the past few months. Continue reading NYE and the cumming year

Attention makes you a super hero

We all love attention. For one it boosts are egos if it is the good type. It also makes you feel included. This one one thing I have been dealing with for majority of my life.

I had a sister with a genetic disease when I grew up. She got all the attention. Even more so when I we hit our teens.  I started to rebel and well it didn’t produce attention, they focused on the good sister.  It was hard to talk and not be heard. Still happens to some degree with my parents even now. Back than it was hurtful and caused conflict between my sister and me for years.  The other side of the coin was my sister went out to make sure she was the centre of attention. This involved any way she could. I was resentful of her for that, and to a degree still am even after her passing 12 years ago. She made me crave it when I was younger. Seek it out. Fortunately I have grown to balance it, when I can.  There are times when I crave it but it more comes from when everyone else is getting it. Continue reading Attention makes you a super hero