Sex is usually talked about behind closed doors. Something that is instilled by our parents when we are young. It is taboo. Shouldn’t be talked about. Heck even TV and movies didn’t show anything since it is so bad for you. Fast forward some years ahead (nice try, birthday is coming up but not going to reveal my age that easy) and the landscape has changed somewhat. For one, TV has embraced sex. The regular tv stations are trying to match what the subscription based ones have done for the past few years. Hard to do since they have had full nudity along with some very graphic sex scenes. It is a step in the right direction. Sex is natural. It happens regardless if we talk about it, show it, or even do it ourselves.
Since we have opened up our relationship so long ago, sex is something that we talk about very easily now. It was not easy at first. We fumbled a bit. Didn’t know how to express or expose ourselves with our thoughts and fears. It didn’t take long that we felt very comfortable talking about it. Fantasy, desires, fears and even who we thought about having sex with. It is odd being this free when talking about sex. Being told that you shouldn’t talk about it for so long and then in a group of friends discussing it in detail. Reminds me of the old joke that when men talk about sex it is “How was it?”. When woman talk about sex it is “Give me all the dirty details!”. Always wonder what my old girl friends told their friends, never did get any additional offers. 😉
So it has been interesting when we hang with our vanilla friends and end up talking about sex. I seem to know more about other people sex lives now than before we opened up. Why? Maybe they think we are sex experts? Or maybe they are comfortable knowing that we are so open about it? Either way it seems that we have become a sounding board to other couples & friends problems regarding sex and relationships. It is odd to me that this is not normal for everyone. Why does it have to be so secretive? Why is it always done behind closed doors (talking about sex, get your mind out of the gutter)?
What I do find is that I enjoy it very much. Frustrating sometimes, but talking about sex with close friends that are having problems for me is enjoyable. For the past four years Krystalla and myself have been through a huge growing curve. It started off slow and then slowly took speed. She found out more about herself, and I released bounds that I had in place for so long when I started to get serious with Krystalla. We have grown closer, talk more about anything and have little fear on bringing up uncomfortable discussions.
The next question you are going to ask is how do I do this with my partner. Honestly there is no sure way to do it. My wife brought up being open while I was playing a game on the xbox. Haven’t played that game since. You know your partner better than I would. Go with what is comfortable and that you do together. Honestly, tv and movies are one of the easiest things to approach a subject if something happens while watching it. I don’t mean go out and watch porn, but there are a lot of shows now that have more sexual content.
Everyone knows the sore spots the partner has. If you are trying to discussing something very important to you, then try not to touch those areas. Bring it up as a high level, general question or remark. Gauge response and go from there. You might be surprised and find out that they have had similar thoughts as well but didn’t know how to bring it up. Recently Krystalla and myself have felt a disconnect. Something that we both noticed but didn’t know how to approach discussing it. Ironically it came up during a discussion over text and we were able to discuss it then. You never know when or how to discuss something. It can come up during talking or if you ask directly, just be prepared for the results based on your actions. Tying down your partner to drill him about sex is not always the best move, unless they like to be tied up.
I am no expert in this. We all make mistakes and stop talking about sex and our lives. Hopefully you find the courage to talk more about. Nothing to be ashamed of. Just because we were told so long ago that we shouldn’t doesn’t mean that we can’t when we are older. Take that first step and reach out to your partner. If you haven’t had sex in a while, tell him you miss him and go from there. If you having to much sex but you don’t find it stimulating (see how I did that), ask him if he likes to be adventurous. I think you can see my point. You don’t need to be blunt about it, but you can open that door a bit to see if they walk through it.
Hopefully this gives you something to think about. Maybe it even helps you bring up the subject. If you want to ask me questions or have additional thoughts feel free to contact me. I can be reached on twitter at @sweetgunnar. Or you can reach me on my contact page at opencoupling.com.