Alcohol friend and foe

Alcohol is my friend most days.  It helps me relax and be myself.  Normally I hold back and can be cautious.  With alcohol it allows me to become myself.  In some ways this can be good, and in others not so good.  I have always known that when I am drinking my true self comes out.  The problem is that sometimes this can be my downfall as well.

Now you are thinking what is the downfall.  First if drink enough I will blackout.  Won’t remember events unless reminded the next day or later.  I hate when this happens, since to me it is embarrassing.  Being reminded on what you did or what happened is not always the best way to remember.  Especially if the issue is not good.  Most of the time there are no issues, but there can be some instances where I am overly friendly.

The past few months I have been learning on more on how I am with alcohol, mainly in large amounts.  Cuba really showed me a lot since it was inclusive and the intake was very high.  Mixing wasn’t the issue, which is a bit surprising, but more the amount and the effect.  I remember majority of the first couple of nights the day after.  As time went on those memories faded fast, and even being reminded on what happened has not really helped.  This is the my first hurdle, ensure the intake is not excessive and that I am balanced so that I don’t get to this point.

The second one I learned is where I am more embarrassed.  When I am carefree I am a lot of fun to be with.  I also can be overly friendly, and at times might push the boundaries to much.  The other part is that I can also become selfish.  So finding the right level to ensure that I am not to far gone is going to be hard.  There is a fine line between feeling good, drunk, and way past drunk.  In Cuba the nights I was healthy and drunk I was carefree to the point of I didn’t listen.  It was for me and yes I did please the women but I was not attentive to any requests.  After I got ill I curbed the intake and found that being more balanced on the alcohol, I was more cautious, but at least controlled.  Fine line to find and I am slowly working it out.

Alcohol works on different people in different ways.  I have always believed that your true self is revealed when drinking and getting drunk.  The problem is that my true self is cool up to a certain point.  The happy and carefree Gunner, until I go to far.  This is my realization now and with that I think I can ensure that I keep this demon in control.  Unless the woman wants it, then by all means let it out.  I am not a DOM by nature but if enough alcohol is applied I can be a very selfish, uncaring DOM which makes me more worried since I may not remember the events.  Not something that I want to have happened.

Much like the past few years I have learned more about myself.  The doors I have unlocked that were so long ago boarded up are now cracking open.  That is one thing that Krystalla has been trying to understand.  What I have locked away and kept closed.  These doors are opening at random of late and with each one there is good and bad.  That is for another post I think.  I am not the twenty year old anymore who was single, didn’t care and took what I wanted.  Respect and listening is who I am now and losing that when I drink to much is basically losing myself.


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